PHILADELPHIA, PA – The University of Pennsylvania Board of Trustees was shocked to find hordes of drunken juniors celebrating the working class. The protester’s outfits – a Styrofoam hat, red t-shirt, and bamboo cane – were each symbolic of the struggle that the worldwide proletariat faces every day. According to organizer Pyotr Tchaikovsky Gorbachev, a junior from Moscow, Idaho, the cane represents the working class’s age, the red t-shirts were symbolic of the blood of the revolution, and the Styrofoam hats represented the irreversible damage done to the environment – to chew and spit the hat was to spit in the face of the oppressors.
Alums and donors were mortified. Centenarian Jebediah “Comcast” Burns IV was quoted saying, “Why, I haven’t seen anything like this since the 20’s. Back in those days, we didn’t stand for this Commie bullshit. We wore straw hats and suits like real men. And the purpose of our education was to make money, none of this namby-pamby liberal arts bullshit. If I could still walk, I would be rioting. Back in my day, we rioted until the chows went marching on and on [He went on like this for a while, but I’m sure you get the idea.]”
The protesters made their way to College Green where Penn Premier Эми Гутман addressed the crowd stating, “Давай напьемся!”