Donald Trump Enters Crowded Class Board Presidential Race

 

Student Government insider Max Levy gives us inside information on recent happenings in the Class Board election circuit:

“Penn is going to see the most winning you could ever imagine,” Donald Trump (W’68) began in a video addressing the Penn community. He then announced his late entry into the Class Board 2019 Presidential race.

Trump’s entry comes as many incoming freshmen have begun expressing anger at ‘Penn-as-usual.’ Already, likely voters have expressed interest in Trump’s bold proposals. Sam Berman (C’19) praised Trump, saying, “He’s the only candidate qualified to put AC in Hill. He’s a builder, it’s what he does.”

Trump’s announcement video did, of course, include some controversial remarks. He immediately drew criticism for his comments about immigration, when he said, “We’re going to build a great wall on our Walnut Street border, and Drexel’s going to pay for it.” He then made several derogatory comments about Drexel students, but those comments were too obscene to even print.

Feminists on campus have also criticized Trump for his tweets about Daily Pennsylvanian reporter Megyn Kelly. They’re focusing on his late night tweet: “As CB Prez, I’ll take down the Dueling Tampons—and give them to Megyn Kelly.”

Still, Trump is seeing support from a wide range of demographics. Jocks are thrilled with his slogan, “Make Penn Athletics Great Again,” although they can’t really remember when they were great to begin with. Engineers have responded enthusiastically to Trump’s promise to “make the fastest moving sidewalk to DRL you’ve ever seen.” And budding frat stars have thrown their support to Trump after he explained, “I will have the classiest Natty at every event, your head will spin.”

Trump’s entry has already hurt legacy-student Jeb Bush, who was previously leading in the polls. Trump’s insistence that Jeb! only got into White House Productions’ parties because his dad and brother were members there have been really hitting home.

When he learned about his success in the polls, Trump commented: “Of course I’m winning. You look out on Locust, you can tell the rest of the field, they’re just losers. The other top candidate has half a semester of Econ, I have a multibillion dollar corporation.  You don’t want some schlub with a Whartonite “power” haircut, you want a man with yellow cotton candy for hair.”

Only time will tell if Trump can weather the three-day voting season, but one thing’s for sure: Penn will never be the same.

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