PHILADELPHIA, PA — While the rest of the Penn community idled away last night either “sleeping” or “studying,” freshman Jon Freeman faced a trek that would make Bilbo Baggins shit his britches. Although it did not come without a significant struggle, it has been reported that Freeman has indeed made it back to the Quad after a raucous night of drinking at his chess team’s BYO.
“We wanted to have a nice meet and greet dinner for the new members,” reports chess team captain Rachel Gomez, “but Jon was dead set on having a BYO after we mentioned we were going to Beijing…I’ve never seen someone get so drunk off of Smirnoff Ice.”
Illuminated by the light of Beijing’s flickering neon “OPEN” sign, our hero’s journey began.
Freeman started his journey like any inebriated freshman would: in the direction of Wawa. After 2 laps around the block and several minutes composing himself in front of the main entrance, he decided to enter the twilight zone known as 1 AM Wawa.
Like the Eightfold Path, the quest to find the ultimate drunk munchy food is a spiritual one. Understandably, Freeman was mystified by the myriad of options offered to him by Wawa’s snack area.
“He just kind of swayed back and forth for a good 10 minutes while staring at the hot buffalo pretzels,” said Wawa manager Thomas Duke. “He picked things out, then would quickly put them back only to pick them up again seconds later. It was pretty hard to watch.”
After deciding on 5 Slim Jims, Freeman slalomed down the 500 foot of Spruce street back to the quad, narrowly avoiding the Septa entrance that so many pilgrims have met their end. Here, Freeman faced his final adversary: Upper Quad Gate.
“I didn’t pay him much mind when he first came up to the gate,” said Allied Barton guard Eddie Young. “I thought he was just another drunk kid coming back from partying, but he – he was something else.” Young continued, “when his card didn’t work, he would leave for a minute and then come back to make it seem like he wasn’t drunk. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he was trying to swipe with his credit card.”
After giving up and trying the lower quad gate with the correct card, Freeman made it back into the safe embrace of the Quad’s cockroach-infested walls. One could only imagine his forefathers smiling down on him after conquering such a perilous journey.
At press time, Freeman was reported to have tweeted “Got turnt at a dope BYO last night with the bros #drinks #college #chessisbest.”