Pearly Gates, HEAVEN — It’s no secret that this year has been especially unkind to pious players in the NFL. Tim Tebow rose again on the third day of training camp only to be re-crucified by Chip Kelly’s 2 AM drunk Madden coaching tactics. All three Redskins quarterbacks, all of whom are outspoken Christians, are either injured or throwing divine interceptions. Russell Wilson, unlike Congress, can’t get rid of his Boehner due to his recommitting to chastity with his pop star girlfriend Ciara (though some speculate due to technicalities he still may get it in her endzone).
As God awoke from his beer and wings induced coma this Monday, He confirmed that he really doesn’t know which NFL quarterback he really likes. “Honestly, I don’t really have a preference for any quarterback in the NFL, so anyone who says otherwise is a fucking liar,” God yawned as he ruffled some Cheeto dust out of his beard.
“I can’t really find a team to support because I’ve really gotten into DraftKings lately, their cash prizes make every week a bit more exciting. No, I wasn’t paid to say that, why do you ask?” added the King of Kings.
The effects of God’s fair-weather support are certainly felt throughout the league. The Jacksonville Jaguars are Schrodinger’s Cat-ing their way to first AND last place in the AFC South for goodness’ sake. It seems the Seahawks’ ill-advised final playcall in Superbowl XLIX sent the league into a Twilight Zone even stranger than a typical Giants-Cowboys matchup.
Satan was unsurprised by his antithesis’ unreliable sports allegiances. “I can’t watch sports with Him anymore, He always hops on all the sports bandwagons. I’m talking Linsanity, The Big Three, Tebowmania…all his fault.”
When asked about who he was supporting this season, Lucifer did not hesitate. “While I love lots of players all across the NFL, my favorite has to be Tom Brady. Congrats on the 400th touchdown Tom!”