The Punch Bowl Guide to Beer

Beer seems to be all the rage these days. Between IPA’s, microbrews, “hops,” 40’s, and how to find the stupid bubble at the bottom of the can when you’re shotgunning, beer seems to be getting more and more complex by the second. That’s why Punch Bowl decided to consult its expert team of brewers to come up with a list of readers’ most frequently asked questions.

1) What exactly is in beer? And why does it make me feel all funny when I have more than two?

Good question! Beer is actually derived from the liquid magma that is found just below the Earth’s surface. This molten rock is then mixed with sugar and “hops” to formula the golden, amber liquid that you so enjoy. You feel funny because you just aren’t having enough! 

2) Why was I thrown into prison after driving my boat around while drinking an open container of beer?

Seriously? You were drinking beer while driving a boat? How gauche! The least you could have done was drink a bottle of champagne, or perhaps a rum beverage to accompany your day on the boat. Next question, we can’t even tolerate such indecency.

3) Who is beer?

We are all beer.

4) How might one build one of those massive copper tanks that you see in beer commercials?

First you start by drinking a 30 rack of beer yourself. Then you forget about this fools’ errand because everyone knows how dangerous it is to smelt copper while intoxicated.

 5) What is the name of the puppy that is featured in the Budweiser Super Bowl commercials?

His name is Deangelo Montgomery and he’s actually twelve years old. He is currently being housed in the basement of College Hall, in fact. 

6) Are women allowed to drink beer?

No.

7) How was beer invented?

Our ancient ancestors stumbled across a keg frozen inside of a glacier many thousands of years ago. It took a couple thousand more years for them to figure out how to tap it, since Jake let someone borrow the tap and never even asked for it back, but eventually they figured out how to access what was inside, and the rest is history.

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