Why We Should Just Give Jim Webb The Presidency in 2016

This might be shocking for some of you, but sometimes the mainstream media is wrong. Since the year 2000 when coverage of the 2016 election first began, the media has flagged Hillary Clinton as the frontrunner for the Democratic Party with Sanders trailing behind because he just can’t run like he used to in his younger days. But after the first Democratic debate this past Tuesday, a new contender with the heart of a lion, temper of a PCP addict, and neck of Ed from Ed, Edd, n Eddy has entered the ring. His name? Jim Webb.

I know what you’re thinking. Don’t you feel the Bern? Aren’t you ready for the Hill? Or maybe you even feel the Chafe? (Editor’s note: might want to work on the slogan, Lincoln). To those questions I answer with a resounding NO, as Mr. Webb’s debate performance was something else. Here are a few highlights:

  • While the usual Dem is more hesitant than a middle school boy with crippling anxiety when it comes to war, Webb is a true alpha male and never backs down from any fight. For example, his neck was bravely fighting a war against his collar the entire night. A true representation of American ideals.
  • When asked what enemy he was most proud of making, Webb answered “I would say the enemy soldier whose grenade wounded me, but he isn’t around anymore” AS A JOKE TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD. Now some may call this “fucking terrifying”, but hear me out. Donald Trump is taking the GOP because he’s a fearless, handsome warrior-warlock with flowing golden locks who isn’t afraid to say what he wants. Dems need to offer a candidate who raises the stakes, and Jim Webb will do that. Look at that face. He’ll murder you for a biscuit if he wanted. Trump would have to Skype into debates to ensure his personal safety.
Jim Webb

Throw a “Hope” filter on this and you might as well say hello to the 45th president of the United States

  • On a similar note, Chase Untermeyer, one of Webb’s colleagues at the Pentagon, recalls a story in his book about Webb nearly beating a biker to death. Yes, it’s a bit excessive, but everyone hates bikers so I’m counting this as a good thing.
  • Webb shook hands with Bernie 5 times during the debate. Trust me, I counted. Everyone knows the key to being cool is having good dap skills, so Webb definitely scored some points with millennials here.
  • The purpose of the first debate is usually to focus on a core message. Webb did this extremely effectively, making his position on whether or not he had enough time to speak very clear. While Sanders focused on the corruption of Wall Street and Chaffee focused on smiling blankly into the distance, Webb demanded attention like a real American: by complaining.

This is only a taste of what is to come in Webb’s still young 3-month presidential campaign. But if you don’t get why this Virginia senator is so amazing yet, don’t be worried. It’s only a matter of time before you get caught in the Webb.

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