Clinton Indulges in Moment of Relaxation, Campaign Falters

Shocking new information from an internal leak in the Clinton camp reveals that Hillary relaxed for a half-second and let out a semi-audible gasp of relief following Joe Biden’s announcement, just a few weeks ago, that he will not attempt to bring his love of trains to the White House, and thus make Dr. Jill Queen of America.

Longtime Clinton aide Huma Abedin was particularly confused by the uncharacteristic lapse in unrelenting ambition and work ethic focused on a singular goal, “I’ve never seen anything like it; it was as if she had reached a place of total peace, like she forgot that she’ll never be deemed likable as an accomplished woman in the political arena.”

Clinton, after inhaling, continued watching footage from the 2008 elections over a light lunch to rid herself of all potential strategic weaknesses that left her in defeat almost eight years ago. Having realized her wasted moment earlier, Clinton reportedly locked herself in the “the room.” According to a Clinton staffer, “the room” is an old janitorial closet that locks from the inside and has a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling; it contains only a podium, a cardboard cutout of Anderson Cooper, and a mirror so Clinton can practice debating her “only true equal.”

This shocking revelation could spell trouble for Clinton, coming not long after surviving an 11-hour Benghazi hearing and coming out relatively unscathed. Donald trump has already launched an attack on Hillary over the breach in all-encompassing concentration, “You know, I just don’t know if you can trust Hillary. Would you rather have someone who went to the Wharton school of business hire a bunch of smart guys to figure out all of America’s problems for him, or have a seasoned political mind who takes time for self-care?”

Chris Christie, too, got in on the discussion. Seemingly relegating his campaign for president into a stab at being a conservative pundit, Christie had this to say, “Hillary does not want to be held accountable for anything, she can’t even account for her every waking moment of consciousness.”

It isn’t yet clear if this will become a major campaign theme in the coming months, or if Hillary will be able to put that split-second of relaxation behind her in her efforts to claim the presidency. One is left to wonder if this is the new email scandal; congressional investigations into Clinton’s subconscious seem like a very real possibility in such a dramatic race to the White House.

Regardless of inter-party strife, there has been nothing but love among Democrats in the wake of Biden’s momentous decision. In response to Biden’s announcement, both Clinton and Larry David impersonator/only-other-relevant-Democratic-candidate, Bernie Sanders, praised Biden on twitter. Which, given Hillary’s mental vacation and Sanders’ campaign to be the most lovable progressive white guy in Washington, can only be read as thinly veiled offerings of blood-sacrifice to Biden in thanks for not complicating their campaigns.

While Biden has not formally endorsed either candidate, and may not during the primaries, Joe had this to say about both candidates: “No matter who wins, the Democratic nominee is sure to look great in a smart pantsuit.”

 

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