Freshman guest columnist Scott Rubenstein would like you to know to stop sending him so many goddamned emails! 

“Please tell our university why you would like to unsubscribe from emails from the Kalamazoo School of Masonry.”

Really? You really want to know why? Where do I even begin?

For starters, I’M ALREADY ENROLLED IN ANOTHER SCHOOL. If you keep such great records of everyone, shouldn’t you know that I have already graduated high school and have started college somewhere else? Your little note reminding me that you’ll “be at my school’s college fair tomorrow” is nice, but I do not go there anymore. I’m in college now; it’s too late.

I remember a time when I used to love getting emails from colleges. It was three years ago, when I made one of the most regrettable decisions I ever made. As a wee sophomore in high school, I took the PSAT, nervously hoping that it would qualify me for a National Merit Scholarship (it didn’t). When they asked me if I would like to receive emails from colleges I marked yes, of course, because who didn’t want that? It was exciting. It was like all these schools I have never heard were pursuing me. They wanted me! I would love their school, they said. They have so much to offer me, they said.

When I didn’t respond, they’d email again, saying they’re still waiting to hear from me. How eager they were! The University of the Bible Belt, East-South-Eastern University, Southern Yakima College of the Peforming Arts…the possibilities were endless. I relished in the attention I was getting from all these colleges.

I came down from Cloud Nine pretty quickly. Soon, I realized that I was not the only one these colleges were “pursuing.” All my friends were getting inundated with ten or more emails a day from colleges they had no interest in going to, and they weren’t as happy about it as I was. They saw their mistake early on…checking that satanic “yes” box on the PSAT.

Soon I began deleting college emails without even opening them. What was the point? I wasn’t gonna go there. These were robo-emails anyway. Still, I felt the need to continue to subscribe. Why? Maybe it was because I wanted to keep my options open. Maybe it was because deep down, I still felt like they wanted me.

Once I was accepted early decision to the University of Pennsylvania, I was excited to be through with the College Board and their annoying shenanigans. One of my first acts as a Penn student was to log onto the College Board website and click unsubscribe from everything. Imagine my disgust when I found out I would have to unsubscribe from EACH INDIVIDUAL COLLEGE. Fine, College Board, make me do this the hard way.

For the next few weeks I was vigilant. Every single college that dared show itself in my inbox was immediately and swiftly unsubscribed from. I thought I had taken care of all that business, because I did not hear from any college for the next six months. But then, six weeks into my college experience, your email showed up.

So, you wanna know why I am unsubscribing, Kalamazoo School of Masonry? Because I believe that teenagers should not have to be penalized for years just because they made one dumb mistake on the general information section of the pSAT. I believe that is detrimental to a person’s self esteem to give them a false sense of hope, making them believe that you really do want them at your school when you actually just want literally everyone. But most of all, I believe that you have an old list, and you should fix that because I’m not in high school anymore and this was the last straw.

Good day.

I SAID GOOD DAY.