My fellow Americans,
Today, I have much to be thankful for. I am the father of two beautiful girls, I have a steady job for one more year, and I am married to a woman who could probably beat me in arm-wrestling.
But for me, today isn’t about gratefulness. On this day, my penultimate Thanksgiving as President of these United States, it’s time for me to say “you’re welcome” to all the times you’ve said, “Thanks Obama.”
To Linda from Kansas City, whose internet stopped working: You’re welcome Linda. I’m glad I’ve inspired you to get off the computer and out exploring all that Kansas City has to offer. I’m sorry your Amazon order for “55 Gallons of Water-Based Lubricant” didn’t go through, so I’ve sent you ten free gallons, complements of the Affordable Care Act.
To Ted from Little Rock, who was upset when 2015 science didn’t deliver a hover board: You’re welcome, Ted. Look, Ted, walking is your only exercise. If you didn’t walk, not even Biff’s high-powered hover board could levitate your gargantuan body. Now that’s “heavy.”
To Susan from San Francisco, who got a text from her service provider while waiting for the news about her mother’s accident: You’re welcome, Susan. You know, I’m really sorry about your mother, but Great News! Wi-Fi Calling is now available on your iPhone! Standard data rates may apply; see site for details.
To Emily from Syracuse, who thought she saw someone waving at her but she turned around and there was someone else waving back: You’re welcome, Emily. Everyone needs to put their narcissism in check sometimes.
To Josh from Syracuse, who waved to Emily but Emily didn’t wave back and everyone saw it: You’re welcome, Josh. You didn’t really think she was going to wave back, did you?
To Martha from Nantucket, who can’t find the start to her roll of tape: You’re welcome, Martha. It’s a fun little game, isn’t it? Sometimes I give a roll to Biden and he’ll play with it for hours.
To Abby from Philadelphia, whose writing seminar paper is six words over the limit: You’re welcome, Abby. With the new Common Core initiatives in education, we’ll be able to focus on the things that matter – like trimming those last six words, writing essays in art class, and differentiating between 5×3 and 3×5.
You’re welcome, America, for you mild annoyances and daily inconveniences. May your greatest challenges in life be figuring out the color of “the dress,” pondering your stance on the Starbuck’s cup, and exercising. Happy Thanksgiving!