Official Punch Bowl Vatican correspondent Daniel Loud has the latest on the B.o.B. flat earth expose.
This Wednesday, several Vatican officials confirmed that there have been talks about calling a tribunal to discuss canonizing rapper B.o.B into sainthood, following his ardent defense of the fact that the Earth is flat. B.o.B.’s comments have rekindled long-dormant sentiments amongst Church officials that they, in fact, have sole authority over knowledge about both spiritual and physical matters.
“Pope Urban VIII’s policy regarding Galileo really hurt our public image when it came to matters of astronomy,” commented Cardinal Giacomo D’Iorini following a three-hour meeting in which B.o.B.’s sainthood was reportedly discussed. “However, B.o.B. has convinced many people to re-open their hearts to what the Lord has to say on the matter.”
There is a sentiment amongst Church officials that B.o.B.’s passionate claims that the Earth is flat have restored a spirit of faith in the word of the Bible that it has not been able to recover since the 16th Century. To them, B.o.B. has made people hearken back and truly care about the Bible, the Word of God — an unusual phenomenon in today’s world. “This,” urged Cardinal D’Iorini “has the potential to do more for the Lord’s ministry than has been done for centuries.”
The official record of Wednesday’s meeting presents a picture of the famed rapper as one of a true Saint, called to the service of God and whole heartedly-accepting it. Like many great Church figures before him, he “did not want to believe it” at first, but eventually rushed whole-heartedly to what he knew in his heart was right, and engaged in a massive social media campaign to fill others with the Word of God as it is written in the Bible. His song “Flatline” also seems to indicate that he was a defender of heliocentrism, one of the most well-known casualties in science’s war on faith.
Of course, Sainthood also requires two miracles having been performed by the Servant of God in question, and Vatican officials discussed possible miracles in the rapper’s life.
“It’s hard to say with certainty,” commented Cardinal D’Iorini, “but B.o.B.’s absolute roasting of Neil DeGrasse Tyson may very well be deemed a miracle.”
However, in the eyes of many faithful, B.o.B. has already reached sainthood. Cardinal D’Iorini lauded him, stating “it’s only once every few hundred years that one shows such respect for the Bible and has the moral courage to spread the Word of God. Saint or not, the Gates of Heaven will certainly open wide for him.”