An Honest Guide to Tinder

Still trying to find love on Tinder? Never fear, Punch Bowl’s simple guide to tinder success is here, and we’re ready to help you match with people on campus who you end up deciding you don’t really want to talk to anymore, have a strange relationship with, or don’t find that attractive after all, but who you then have to see on Locust and turn your head quickly because you’re the worst. That, or hookups, idk, your pick… Regardless, follow the below tips and people are going to want you as much as they want Ted Cruz to stop.

 

Totally keep that picture of you hunting as your first image!

Nothing says potential romantic partner like killing animals for sport! When you see someone handling a rifle in a picture, you don’t think about the possibility of their emotional instability and the level of danger that poses, you think “Sweet! I’ve always wanted a mounted deer head!” or, alternatively, “Open carry! They’re one after my own heart *wipes away single tear.” If anyone’s told you that it’s a “strange choice,” don’t listen to them, it just means they can’t handle your patriotism.

 

Do message them back in the middle of your statistics lecture!

From what I can see over the shoulder of the guy who sits in front of me in class, this totally works for him!

I see you.

 

Start the conversation off by making an allusion to a dowry!

“So, I don’t know how this works, does my dad, like, owe you livestock now?” Just ignore the traditional gender dynamics here, no matter how you identify or who you’re talking to this line is undeniably endearing. You’re being weird/cute by using the word “livestock” in your first interaction and insinuating that you’re new to this and haven’t been endlessly trolling the app for months. Also, it’s not creepy at all that you’re measuring your worth in sheep or suggesting marriage; there’s a strong argument that wool is the real fabric of our lives and talking about marriage early on lets them know you’re serious about them, it’s flattering!

 

Do post pictures of yourself ostentatiously displaying your wealth!

It’s not obnoxious; it just signals that you can take care of nice things! This, in combination with the dowry opening line makes you seem like prime marriage material — $$$ and cows, what more could anyone ask for?!

 

If you don’t have your Zodiac sign’s emoji in your profile are you even a human being?

You disgust me. Go do it now. Everyone loves a measured, considerate Libra; if that Sagittarius hottie is on the fence about you, this might just tip them over the edge and into your arms…or your bed *awkward winking.

 

Always misrepresent how conventionally attractive you find yourself to be.

Ik :/, but people suck.

 

Make sure your bio is long and self-absorbed, not short and pithy.

Everyone likes to read about how you’ve been “hurt before” and are really looking for a long-term relationship, oh, and also your entire philosophical outlook on life that you took from a John Green novel. Forget a funny one-liner and where you go to school, read Ulysses and get inspired.

 

Never give away too much personal information until you’re comfortable.

This is actually not a joke, take care of yourself.

 

“Real eyes realize real lies always in all ways.”

If someone sends you anything even remotely pseudo-deep like this, you un-match with them immediately. They’re not a traveling bard, and if they are, they’re not financially stable enough for you. No one needs this kind of nonsense up in this dancery.

 

FINALLY: Make sure your first three pictures are group pictures with your most attractive friends.

This automatically signals that you’re the worst looking in the photos and are obviously trying to get a swipe out of the first few pictures in the hopes that people will think you’re the most attractive one. However, they’ll want to be sure that they’re right, forcing them to examine your profile more carefully. If you follow the preceding tips, your profile will be so amazing that they’ll forget that they’re disappointed you’re not the one with the abs. (This tip works best when compounded with tip number one, attractive people with guns? They won’t be able to resist you!).

 

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