PHILADELPHIA, PA — In a surprise announcement, 34th Street Magazine has announced the creation of a new “most savage” superlative in an attempt to keep up with modern trends. Talk is already buzzing for who will be the first recipient of this prestigious award, but one devious fella is about to take the crown with ease. His name? Thag (C’ 16).
“Thag is a Cro-Magnon, a very primitive form of human from the Paleolithic Era,” said biological anthropology professor Dr. Nancy Wilkins, “I have no idea how he became a student here”.
The stories about Thag’s savagery are plentiful. “I just love how he literally has no concept of modern societal norms,” said Thag’s sophomore roommate Peter Duke (Wharton ‘18), “though he does get really frightened when I turn on the microwave. Kind of annoying.”
Thag spends most of his day turning the stove on and off in awe of the concept of fire. Unaware of the concept of education, he only focuses on satisfying his basic banal instincts.
“I think he’s only used a toilet once during his whole 4 years here!” said girlfriend Kathy Potter (C’ 14), “I tried to teach him how to flush and he was convinced there was a sea monster in the apartment. It took days to calm him down.”
Thag is a geology major and always volunteers for class demonstrations. He is currently receiving a 4.0 GPA.
“I love being in class with Thag because he’s just so savage” said Maria Silva (C’ 17), “like one time the curve for the midterm was really unfair so he bashed the professor’s head in with a rock!”.
When asked about his reaction to being an early favorite for the superlative, Thag was indifferent. “Aaaahhguhooou” grunted Thag as he lumbered off to Commons for his 5th breakfast of the day.