Penn Researchers With Breakthrough Meth-Related Discovery

Sophomore columnist Claudia Hogan with the latest in psychotherapeutic drug technology. 

New breakthroughs at the American Society of Neuroscience promise the ability to sync your mood swings with your friends. This pharmaceutical has huge implications in the field of psychopathology. A few chemical changes might allow this drug to be applied to other disorders such as unipolar depression and panic disorder. “If this research continues”, gushes Dr. Martins, “we could be having groups of friends all have panic attacks at the same time.”

His colleague, Dr. Brown, shares his excitement. “This is the biggest scientific breakthrough since electromagnetic waves a couple weeks ago.”

The IRB expressed surprise at the outcome of this research. One official remarked, “we thought we were funding research on methamphetamine for patients with compulsive teeth brushing, but this is also good. We still believe that meth can be an important part of this equation, but we haven’t quite figured out how yet.”

The current method of action of this pharmaceutical, Crytagetha, is largely unknown. “We’re not actually sure how we ended up with this chemical,” says Martins. “We thought we were working with meth.” He assures us that they are working tirelessly to figure out what this drug is. At this point, they believe “it probably has carbon. Almost definitely. And it binds to something that should be bound to something else. But it also might not.” Researchers promise that they will soon figure out the chemical structure of Crytagetha in order to replicate it in later batches.

Psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania eagerly await the release of this pharmaceutical. “We have always stressed the role of social support in recovery from these disorders – think about the support system offered if everyone else you know is also suffering at the same time! If it worked for menstruating women, we’re confident it can work for the mentally ill.”

Crytagetha is not recommended for pregnant women, people without preexisting mood swings, people on medication for mood swings, smokers, adults over the age of 50 and children under the age of 20. Researchers are confident that a market for Crytagetha will be found and plan on putting the bulk of their funding into this new and exciting project.

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