The Punch Bowl’s Guide To Being Green

Do you care about the environment? Are you a sucker for sustainability? Just looking to garner insincere praise from your peers? Then this guide is for you! Read on to learn more about how you can help conserve our planet’s vital resources.

  • Take the trash chute instead of the elevator

Elevators are a huge waste of electricity. If you live in a high rise and are tired of those awkward elevator silences, get downstairs fast by sliding down the trash chute (bonus points for diving in headfirst).

  • BYO Commons

Instead of Ubering to Banana Leaf to dodge your FOMO for another night, take a box of Franzia to the charming on-campus eatery known as 1920 Commons. We’re 100% certain that the staff won’t mind.

  • Buy locally sourced pesticides

Being green is all about reducing your carbon footprint. Why use pesticides made in a lab thousands of miles away when you can pick some up at CVS?

  • Slash a car’s tires

We at the Punch Bowl pride ourselves on sticking to the facts — and the fact is, the average car emits roughly 1,000 lbs (454 kg for our international readers) of air pollution every year. So be a good citizen; do your part and vandalize some cars.

  • Throw your recycling in the correct bin like a civilized person

We’ll admit it: this one is difficult. We believe in you.

  • Only eat food that’s been grown within 50 yards

Support your neighborhood economy and become more connected to your immediate community by refusing to purchase food grown more than 150 feet from your current location. It’s the right thing to do.

  • Jaywalking

Couldn’t really hurt.

  • Purchase a refrigerator

This one is a real life hack: if you’re tired of leaving your apartment’s thermostat on 35 degrees all day in order to keep food fresh, buy a refrigerator. Pro tip: the fridge door is an ideal place to leave passive-aggressive notes for your roommates.

  • Grow your own weed

This is a guide to being green, after all.

  • Carpool to class

Every 30-60 minutes during the middle of the day, Locust Walk swells up with a bustling horde of undergrads, community members, university employees, and naïvely optimistic prospective students. Do your part for the environment and reduce the flow of traffic by carrying your friends down Locust!

  • Invest in a nice house plant

Humanity pumped nearly 40 billion tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere in 2013. Plants absorb carbon dioxide. Hey, it’s not a lot, but your room could probably use some additional feng shui, anyway.

  • Don’t breathe

The average person breathes two whole gallons of air every minute. Try not to do that.

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