Punch Bowl’s Guide to Dealing with Rejection

It’s that time of year again, the leaves are changing, we’re reminded that pumpkins are technically fruit, and you’re, once again, left trying to figure out how that jagweed in your Poly Sci recitation got a second round and you didn’t (shut up about how well your case went, Kevin).  Yes, it’s rejection season, whether its job applications, senior societies, or last weekend’s DFMO that you made the mistake of making too much out of and followed on Instagram prematurely.  Some might try to soften the blow by saying it’s “fall,” but…it’s rejection season, even the trees are like “GTFO leaves, we’re over.” Nature is dying along with all of your dreams while the sun has decided to stop providing you with the refuge of daylight to hide from your own thoughts.  It’s not all bad, though, just mostly!  You’ve still got Punch Bowl and now you have Punch Bowl’s guide to dealing with rejection!

 

Do lean into your self-righteous sadness with a melodramatic Spotify playlist…

Gotye was right, folks.  You really can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness, so put “Landslide,” “Fast Car,” and whatever emo band you listened to in high school on a loop and know that it’s Bain’s loss.  Note that it’s important that you try to dissociate from the fact that you misspelled your name in your cover letter and lied about your GPA; otherwise, the reality of personal culpability will get in the way of truly connecting with the righteous anger of Jagged Little Pill on a spiritual level.

 

Don’t get bangs…

The keratin equivalent of window treatments, bangs are not going to prevent people from seeing into the fragile state of your heart.  If anything they’re going to be, like, “Damn, they got bangs?  What happened?”  Rarely if ever have you heard the following:  “They got bangs?  What a well thought out and planned decision that seems to be, I bet they’re not going through some sort of period of turmoil.  What a stable human.”

 

Don’t email a recruiter with a video of you crying, begging for a second chance…

Apparently it doesn’t work.  I heard this from a friend. Like, another person who isn’t me told me this.  It’s crazy that someone would try this though, right?!  But I mean, not that crazy, right?  Like, you could totally foresee a situation in which this would be the logical decision.  Still, like, don’t do this, but also maybe don’t judge someone else if they make a questionable decision that seems perfectly reasonable at the time, okay?

 

Don’t follow up the first video with an acoustic rendition of “Wonderwall” if you ignored the above recommendation…

Playing Wonderwall isn’t impressive at all, that’s not going to get you anywhere.  At least step up the technically difficulty in terms of chord progressions…though it’s unclear if this tactic will help you in the first place.  Stay posted for updates.

 

Do use your momentary lapse in emotional stability to justify unnecessary purchases…

It seems counterintuitive, but just feed into the capitalist system that just broke your spirit, you’ll feel better.  Sacrifice your dollars at its altar and wait as your Amazon order of the entire Now That’s What I Call Music anthology makes you feel better for an hour or so.  Treat. Yo. Self.

 

Do vote in the presidential election…

Yeah, civic duty, whatever.  More importantly, this will help you regain some semblance of control of your fate.  (Unless you’re voting for a 3rd party candidate in which case your political fate will be indeterminably decided by an intransigent two party system.)

 

Don’t think about the bees…

I know it’s hard, but they’re dying and thinking too much about it in your state is only going to make things worse.  Wait until you’re feeling better and then you can start working on your letter writing campaign.

 

Do let it go…

Elsa’s right, yo.

 

Do consider going to CAPS if you’re actually worried about your emotional or mental health or consider talking to a friend about it if you’re worried about their behavior…

CAPS Website

CAPS Emergency Line: 215-898-7021 (and press #1)

 

 

 

 

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