The Trump Supporter’s Definitive Guide to the Media

Dear beloved supporters,

With the election so close, you need to know where to turn to get the most up-to-date, accurate, and honest information. Throughout this election, we have seen lies, lies, and more lies coming from the crooked media. We have seen distortion of words I spoke myself, we have seen simple locker room talk turn into an unnecessary national scandal, and we have seen a complete indifference to the crimes against humanity and all that is holy that have been committed by Crooked Hillary Clinton and her emails. Just like the government is out to get us, the mainstream media is out to get us too. How can we know who to trust? Here’s your guide to honest and crooked media.

 

Crooked Media:

CNN (Clinton News Network): This network is beyond biased. They are total Clinton flunkies. Cronies. They have Paul Begala, who has been in bed with the Clintons since ‘92, and Patti Solis Doyle, who started the birther movement with Sidney Blumenthal. They are all complete frauds, and their polls say that I’m down, even when I am clearly not. Also they do too much fact-checking. No one cares about that. Their phony commentators do not understand real people. Don’t buy it? They reported that people said Crooked Hillary won all three debates, when online polls clearly said I won. That’s right, the Internet is more trustworthy than CNN. But if you are going to watch, here are the only people you should listen to:

  • Jeffrey Lord: very smart man. He knows so much history and understands what the rest of those stupid people don’t. Author of What America Needs: The Case for Trump.
  • Scottie Nell Hughes: always sticking it to that gay anchor Anderson Cooper, who was very unfair to Mr. Trump in the second debate along with Martha Raddatz who maybe was a 6 at best when she was younger. Hughes is very intelligent and says all the right things, and is certainly more attractive than Gloria Borger.
  • Kayleigh McEnany: will defend anything I say. Seriously. Anything. And she’s about as close to a 10 as low ratings CNN is gonna get!

MSNBC (Mainly Stupid, Nothing But Clinton): We all know they’re the epitome of the liberal media. No one should waste their time with such stupidity as Rachel Maddow, who should get her Rhodes scholarship revoked for such lies. Chris Matthews screams so loud and it’s all garbage. Perhaps the absolute worst of all is Morning Joe. Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski are definitely doing it. Wikileaks said she is also a former lover of Bill Clinton. All Clinton flunkies. Disgraceful!

NBC News (Nothing But Clinton): Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd is a disgrace on Meet the Press. No tough questions for Clinton supporters, but when Rudy Giuliani goes on the show, Sleepy Eyes has the nerve to grill him on Trump’s silly locker room talk. Seriously, Trump may have said some things, but Bill Clinton actually did them! Never mind the women that accuse Trump of doing exactly what he said he does, those women are all liars and just want their fifteen minutes of fame. Why didn’t they come out earlier? Anyway, NBC News also assigned the incompetent Katy Tur to cover the Trump campaign and she is doing a terrible and dishonest job. She cannot seem to listen through all the jeers and threats to her at Trump rallies to hear the message that Trump is delivering about making America great again and report it accurately on NBC. They have been very unfair to Trump since the beginning. Except Matt Lauer. He understands Trump never supported the Iraq War and did not question it, unlike every other media liar. Also Trump’s show The Apprentice was on NBC and never won an Emmy. Rigged, just like this election. Sad!

The New York Times: The absolute worst. They are a failing newspaper that just makes up lies and fabricates sources. They never call us for comment, because they know we would set them straight and they would not be able to sell their vicious lies. Their editorial staff is totally corrupt and stupid, especially Maureen Dowd. Fortunately we only see her in writing instead of having to hear her shrill voice. Their election forecast has Crooked Hillary at a 90% chance of winning, so we know they’re total Clinton flunkies because Trump is way ahead in every state right now and will win in a landslide unless he doesn’t because the election is rigged. Mr. Trump shall be suing the bastards to shut them down big league because after all, we can’t try to understand The New York Times effect on man.

The Washington Post: See The New York Times. I banned them from my press core for a reason.

All the late night comedy shows: Trevor Noah, Samantha Bee, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher, John Oliver, and Seth Meyers are all unfunny hacks. They would not know comedy if it grabbed them by the pussy. Same with Saturday Night Live. Their sketches of the debates were inaccurate and tried to make me look like I know nothing, but I most certainly know everything. It is time to cancel them. I was also invited to be on John Oliver’s show, and I said no because why would I waste my time on that garbage.

 

Honest Media:

Fox News (CAREFUL): We must add this warning because while they are mostly “fair and balanced” in their coverage, there are a few notable exceptions. Firstly, there’s the bimbo Megyn Kelly. Wait, can we call her that? Or is that not politically correct? She always has blood coming out of her eyes and her wherever, but we have known that for over a year now. There’s also a collection of totally biased hacks over there who are secretly for Hillary Clinton: Juan Williams, Brit Hume, Shepard Smith, and Dana Perino. Avoid them like the plague. But make sure you listen to Bill O’Reilly, who is a very smart man and knows a lot about a lot of things (similar to Mr. Trump). Fox and Friends are nice people in the mornings. Also Sean Hannity, who has known from the start that Mr. Trump never supported the war in Iraq. But no one calls him. Why won’t someone call Sean Hannity? Sean Hannity would be willing to vouch for Trump, but no one ever calls Sean Hannity. Please, someone call Sean Hannity!

The Laura Ingraham Show: Now here’s a 10. Listen to her every day. And no, she did not give a Nazi salute at the RNC, you politically correct babies.

TheBlaze’s Tomi Lahren: This hot and fiery young chick speaks the truth every single week. Who says Millenials and women don’t like Trump? This girl is both of those things and she doesn’t fall for Crooked Hillary’s corrupt garbage or even Crazy Bernie’s socialism. No, she is out there bravely voicing what so many young millennial women think: Donald J. Trump should be President of the United States.

Rush Limbaugh: Of course.

Breitbart: Perhaps the most trustworthy name in news for 2016. This website churns out quality journalism on a daily basis setting the record straight about Crooked Hillary and the crooked mainstream media backing her up. It monitors Wikileaks and keeps us up to date about the three biggest threats to our alt-right, white supremacist society: Big Government, Big Journalism, and Big Hollywood. All three are menaces and Breitbart works tirelessly to keep them in check. Give them a Pulitzer Prize for their work!

Trump TV: What? Did someone say Trump TV coming in 2017? Me? No…. I’m going to be President of course. There’s absolutely no way I could lose. I’m going to Make America Great Again. While a Trump TV would be an amazing idea that could be led by former Fox News chairman Roger Ailes and showcase only the smartest minds in alt-right politics continuing to speak the truth about immigration, ISIS, and all the crooked Clinton lies, it isn’t going to happen. I will have no time when I’m President, because I want to be president.

 

-The Donald

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