BREAKING: There’s Still a Chance…

  • That for the next 108 years the Chicago Cubs will win ALL the World Series Championships
  • That Kanye’s debt coerces him to perform at Spring Fling 2017
  • That Brangelina will reunite and balance will restore in the Republic
  • That Sanjaya Malakar will one day win American Idol
  • That Apple will remove the Stocks app from my iPhone. And the Health app.  And iBooks.
  • That Charlie Sheen will clean himself up and earn a respectable living as a Walmart greeter
  • That science will discover a food tastier than cheese
  • That towel-folding will receive the artistic acclaim and criticism it has deserved for ages
  • That Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, and Ryan Seacrest will take turns slapping Ryan Lochte in the face
  • That we will collectively decide how we’re going to pronounce “gif”
  • That Amy Gutmann will reveal she is Yung Ben Franklin
  • That the Cleveland Browns will win the Stanley Cup. Football was never their thing, anyway.
  • That sweatpants will become the major fashion-forward trend of 2017
  • That Kevin Hart will beat The Rock in a thumb war
  • That Geno’s Cheesesteaks will serve only non-GMO grass-fed free-range beef
  • That the McCallisters will remember to bring Kevin along with them this Christmas
  • That the median will be below the mean
  • That Elvis Presley, Tupac, and Michael Jackson will be discovered in a schooner off the coast of Antigua
  • That Starbucks will do something uncontroversial from late November to December 25th
  • That Silly Bandz will become accepted US currency
  • That, in some alternate universe, Joey and Phoebe will end up together
  • That teacup dogs will over time evolve into smaller and cuter “teaspoon” dogs

And perhaps by taking solace in these vast improbabilities we may ease the crushing blows of defeat in our daily lives, whatever they may be.  Keep up the wishful thinking and have a happy Thanksgiving.

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