Martin O’Malley Could’ve Saved this Country

Well America, you’ve really done it this time.

In a painfully close election, you forced millions of Americans to sit, biting their nails, as two mediocre to miserable candidates vied for the soul of our country. At the Punchbowl, last night we couldn’t help but reminisce about the old days, the days before Donald Trump, the days where this election seemed open and shut, when democracy still had some integrity.

It didn’t need to be this way. This miserable election, the battle in the Electoral College, a Trump presidency, all of it. This all could’ve been avoided if only the country had put its faith in the one true candidate for President: Martin O’Malley.

Back in February, we at the Punchbowl announced our unequivocal endorsement of government O’Maley, citing his experience balancing a budget, amazing family recipe for crab cakes, and alliterative name. I mean seriously his name is so fun; just say Donald Trump then say Marlin O’Malley. It’s like velvet.

But alas, you picked Donald Trump. Trump!? Really!? You handed our country over to racists, misogynists, and xenophobes, and it wasn’t even close. Now the Supreme Court will become painfully conservative, and our withdrawal from global affairs will begin in earnest.

Where did you go wrong America? I’ll tell you: you never stopped to look at Martin O’Manny. Despite being in a Celtic rock band, you still wouldn’t listen to him. He was drowned out by the Clinton machine, which in turn was drowned out by Trump. O’Mallee would’ve avoided this; he’s a man of the people, just like one of us only with a killer bod. He could’ve rallied the people against Trump, if only you’d given him the time of day.

So it’s come to this America. The votes are counted, but the war is not over. We at the Pennsylvania Punchbowl only know one president, and his name is Martin Oh-Meeley. We will take to the streets, protest day and night, until we have a president who speaks for us. There is no true choice but Marvin O’Malley, and we will accept nothing but victory.

For those of you who are hesitant, who have never stopped to think about the esteemed Governor of Delaware as a contender, stop to think now. Stop to think what O’Mali’s America would look like, with a president who speaks for us. It’s so beautiful, so real you could see it clear as day.

But you rejected that vision America. You settled on an orange isolationist, when you could’ve had a Celtic rock god. America never stopped being great, we just never stopped to hear the sweet, Celtic song it was singing.

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