WASHINGTON — On Wednesday, President Donald Trump elected to use the “nuclear option” for Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch. Due to the former reality star’s ignorance of the term, however, humanity has just minutes left to live.
The possibility of using the legal maneuver — which typically refers to the abolishment of the filibuster for court nominees — was first raised by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell in the early hours of Wednesday. President Trump, however, believed that McConnell had advocated for commencement of nuclear warfare.
Trump took action quickly, instructing the Department of Defense to launch the nation’s 4,000+ warheads at strategic locations throughout the world. Due to the doctrine of Mutually Assured Destruction, all of Earth’s nuclear-equipped nations (most notably Russia) responded in kind.
“We’re gonna do things bigly with the Supreme Court,” Trump said of his decision, seemingly still unclear as to what he had just done. “Unlike Obama, I’m more than willing to show that our country is strong. We have the best rockets, believe me.”
“Donald Trump promised he would take unprecedented action as President, and he’s done just that,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said. “I wish, for once, the media would show him proper respect.”
NORAD has determined that Russian ICBMs will strike the eastern seaboard within the next fifteen minutes. All Americans are asked to seek shelter in a secure below-ground area.