WASHINGTON DC – Somewhere between 1.3 and 1.5 million people marched on Washington this past Saturday to protest the so-called “narrow-mindedness and downright hatred” that has permeated the dairy industry: lactose intolerance. After a series of high-profile marches on Washington, including the Women’s March and the March for Life, policy experts predicted that it was only a matter of time before lactose intolerance triggered public outcry.
We spoke with two of the march organizers before the event. “This march is not about lactose intolerant people,” said Sally Farms. “It’s about the disease of lactose intolerance that runs rampant in our country.”
Another organizer cut in: “Hold on, Sally. I don’t think it’s right to call it a disease. It’s an opinion that people are entitled to hold. But I think that if we sat down and had a conversation with these people, we could change their minds about violently defecating when they eat ice cream.”
The march featured eloquent speeches from celebrities and leaders throughout the nation. Even the Chick-fil-A cow spoke with a unique perspective on the day. “Drinc mor milc, don’t eat mor chikin!” (It was a speech, but that’s just how we imagined she’d spell it).
Almost on cue, President Donald Trump presented his views on the topic with three successive midnight tweets:
“Not sure why all the attention about ‘lactose.’ FAKE NEWS covers milk, not new exec order? Will meet with cow to go over this issue!”
“Yes, a real cow! Not even @Rosie”
“Lots of bad ‘leche’ flowing into this country. Interview with cow airs tonight (8:00 PM, Farm)”
A new Gallup poll estimates that 2-3% of the population vomited immediately after imagining Donald Trump saying the word “milk.” More news is pouring in each day; keep up with the Pennsylvania Punch Bowl for the latest.