After viewing WALL-E last weekend, President Trump took back his promise to slowly dismantle the Environmental Protection Agency, instead pledging his support for environmentalism.
“Early on in the campaign, I promised the American people that I would eliminate all of these unnecessary regulations,” Trump said, referring to the environmental protections put into place over the past several decades. “But all that changed when I watched WALL-E. I mean, what if we have to leave Earth behind because of pollution? We’ve got to preserve the planet’s resources — I just can’t have that poor guy’s suffering on my conscience.”
Many agree that watching the 2008 animated film has profoundly altered Trump’s worldview. In addition to firing climate change skeptic Scott Pruitt from his position as head of the EPA, the president promised to impose regulations limiting the power of the coal and oil industries. “Sure, China is killing us on energy. But is cheap coal worth forcing a robot to pick up trash for 800 years? Not in my book.”
Added Trump, “Every American should be for environmental protection! Do you want to end up like those fat people on the ship? Disgusting! … yeah, we should probably do something about obesity, now that I think of it.”
At press time, the president was spotted picking up trash on the side of a Washington, D.C. highway while muttering the name “Eva.”