“We’re all Irish on St. Paddy’s day bro!” We’ve all heard this proud boast from our bros throughout America. Ten drinks deep by 11 a.m., it seems like a fair assessment to somebody of any background. When you can’t walk in a straight line without calling your ex, it only seems natural that you’ve earned an honorary position among the world’s most famous drinking population.
However, every year partygoers don’t realize that, on St. Patrick’s Day, they are in fact Irish. In fact, the Irish Constitution has a little-known clause allowing anybody who has more than five drinks on St. Patrick’s Day to earn Irish citizenship for the day.
This clause was added to the Irish Constitution in the late 19th century, while hundreds of thousands of people were leaving Ireland for the United States. To connect second and third generation Irish Americans with their heritage, the Irish government decided to make them honorary citizens if they had more than five drinks.
Unfortunately, as this clause has faded from public knowledge, it’s been unknowingly abused by millions of Americans of all backgrounds. The millions of gallons of alcohol consumed in the span of 24 hours adds millions of citizens to the records of the Irish government, bringing the system to a standstill.
“Over in America they think they have an immigration problem, but it’s nothing compared to the millions of piss-drunk Americans yelling ‘top o’ the morning’ we have to deal with every year” an anonymous Irish official complained on Saturday. This official, along with many others, plans to introduce legislation that would remove this clause from the Constitution.
“Hundreds of years ago, St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland,” stated the official. “Today, it’s our responsibility to drive those hammered Americans out of Ireland.”
It seems like, if this movement gains momentum, we may no longer all be Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.