WASHINGTON, D.C. – After weeks of investigation into various conflicts of interests throughout the government, the government has decided to recuse itself from governing. Allegations of Russian entanglement, unethical business holdings, and campaign malpractice has plagued the government, prompting it to stop governing in the “best interest of the country.”
“I think we’re just going to take a step back and take the ‘L’ for a few years,” said the government. “We’re too entangled in this whole ‘government’ quagmire, and we want to do what’s best for the United States of America, which is, of course, nothing.”
“Nobody knew government could be so complicated,” said the government, speaking in third person. The government was surprised to find out how much people cared when it “met a man named Nikolay Potyomkin-Tavrichesky on a Tuesday night at 3:00 AM to trade forty-five ISIL militants in exchange for its name on one real estate property in Dubai, allegedly.”
Many pundits still question who will replace the government in its absence. An unconfirmed source suggested that “Jeremy the taco man” might replace the government for the next four years. Jeremy the taco man is the owner and operator of “Jeremy’s Taco Truck,” which is stationed on Pennsylvania Avenue, not far from the White House. Jeremy has expressed an interest in government and can name all fifty states, making him particularly qualified for the job of “the entire US government.”
“Today, we drained the swamp. You’re welcome,” President Donald J. Trump said in his lone public statement.