Still trolling Tinder? So are we! Since Punch Bowl’s last guide to Tinder, the platform has made some changes, so it’s only fitting we do the important public service of providing you with a new set of tips and tricks to sexually confuse and or arouse those within a 25 mile radius—or 85, because sometimes you run out of people to be judgmental about potential future lovers to appraise. Read on!
DO list your alcoholic beverage of choice as an interest.
Looking for a quick way to seem like you possess any sort of depth or substance? (I mean, aren’t we all?) If you’re a slowly decaying human shell like most of us, letting everyone know that “you’ll never love me more than whiskey” is a great way to signal to the world that you’re edgy and tortured; you’re basically Kerouac, goddammit. While you run the risk of sounding like the worst kind of Floridian frat star, if done correctly it’ll be you that people have a worrying, codependent relationship with.
DON’T upload any pictures with other people in them.
This. Is. All. About. You. Consistency is hot, everyone loves seeing four pictures of your head in slightly varied lighting from the same angle that you always take pictures at because it makes you look the best. Other people, like friends (gross) and family members (disgusting), just distract from YOU. Who even needs to be assured that you’re a normal, at least somewhat compassionate person with the ability to sustain human relationships for the amount of time that would allow you to take pictures with someone else? Not me!
DO explicitly state in your bio that all superlikes are accidents.
Wouldn’t want anyone to think that you could show a genuine interest in them and want to be direct about it! No, assert that you are fundamentally better as person right from the jump. Sure you’re all the same in that you’re just digitally dry-humping each other, but letting everyone know that you’re not ~as desperate~ as all those other plebes is important for your own self-worth and inferiority complex.
DON’T ever accept genuine compliments from others.
Be so neurotic and painfully self-aware that you find a way to self-deprecate at every turn, that’s not exhausting at all!
DO use an unintelligible string of emojis in your bio.
Reading is hard. It’s always easier for someone who’s looking at your profile to just take a gander at a college-athlete-level amount of emojis in a row that are meant to depict information about you! Take it a step further if you’re feeling adventurous and make your selection so varied that it actually says nothing unique about you and forces interested parties to message you! Let’s just get back to hieroglyphics.
DON’T message anyone or respond to anyone.
Your value as a human person will immediately plummet the second you admit that you’re at all interested in actually interacting with someone else on a dating app. So just don’t do it. Keep lying to yourself! Treat yourself like a sculpture in a museum: important, of-value, artfully constructed, not-to-be-touched, lifeless, inanimate, soulless.
DO make sure you include one photo that makes you look so much worse than your first three photos.
Honesty, that’s what online dating is all about! Right? Make sure that you include a *rough* picture of yourself after three really nice ones. Sure, the rare shallow mind might immediately swipe left, seeing it as a mini-catfishing of sorts, but others will at least think about it for a second before doing so out of respect for your candor or even value your scrupulousness enough to swipe right, because, again, Tinder is all about honesty and also wholesome family values.
DO write a disclaimer about how you don’t know where all of your weird Facebook interests came from.
Why do you like Dawn on Facebook? Sure, it might have been because that one time they were helping wash off baby seals after oil spills, but you also might have a weird soap fetish and that’s not anything that needs to be explored too quickly into your Tinderactions.
DON’T stop believing.
Hold on to that feeling.