Hopefully you’re all settled in to your 80-square-foot, cockroach-infested, Harry-Potter-under-the-stairs style, shag-carpeted, Guantanamo-esque living situation for the semester, and you’ve successfully navigated the whole “roommate introduction” ordeal. But in case you’ve been living homeless for the first month of school, here’s a few questions NOT to ask first when it’s finally your big day!
These questions were put together with the help of the entire Punch Bowl staff. If you would like to join, stop by Huntsman F65 every Monday at 8PM. Pitch some jokes, write some jokes, laugh at jokes, or just sit in the back row eating a bag of Hot Cheetos, like Carl.
1) Are you the help?
This question was borrowed from a previous article, “How do I tell people that I have seven pairs of salmon shorts in just four words?”
2) I believe in pheromones and I will be marking my territory with urine.
Overwhelming your roommate with the smell of your urine on the first day is quite the faux pas. Instead, rub your armpits on the surfaces you wish to claim.
3) Who did you vote for in the 2016 election?
Sure, you’re going to get at it eventually, but you should probably start with the classic freshman NSO questions: (1) what’s your name? (2) where are you from? (3) what’s your major? and (4) how could you possibly equate emails with blatant racism, aggressive misogyny, and mind-numbing incompetence?
4) Are you a vegan or a murderer?
You might as well just tell them your farts are going to smell. Real bad.
5) Did you not see the tie on the door!?
If you’re asking this question, you’ve already done a few things wrong. Eliminate your roommate. Bleach your hair. Change your name. Move to Mexico. Start a new life.
6) The last one only lasted a week.
Okay, you can ask your roommate this one — just make sure he or she knows you’re pointing to your bonsai tree when you say it.
7) I have two electric toothbrushes, want to know why?
Clearly, oral hygiene is very important to you. But maybe make sure you only brush your teeth when your roommate is at class.
8) I’m excited to be your roommate – no homo.
If I had masculinity that fragile, I wouldn’t have left the house today. Way to go, bro! I hope your roommate is fabulous.
9) Can I watch you sleep?
Don’t ask, just do! The less your roommate knows, the better.
10) Tickle fight!!!