Dear Task Force,
This year, you have taken active and overwhelming steps to combat alcohol culture and excessive partying at your school, the University of Pennsylvania. The regulations you have recently imposed have done a great deal to discourage parties, or at the very least move them farther off campus and less convenient than ever before. However, here at Wawa, we feel your actions may have had unintended consequences. We will not mince words here: your regulations are threatening to put Wawa out of business completely.
As you know, our store at the corner of 38th Street and Spruce Street is far and away the highest grossing store in our entire company. It brings in annual revenues equal to the GDP of a reasonably-sized African country, and even a small south-Saharan country couldn’t rival its weekend late-night earnings. Where do you think that is coming from? You guessed it: drunk Penn students.
We’re not blind to the fact that this location- and it’s truly unreal profits- are a direct result of Penn’s toxic party culture. In fact it has become a sort of cultural fixture on campus; students coming home blasted from a party will go to Wawa and by $20 of food they don’t need. It’s a simple formula, but we are completely reliant on it.
As a direct result of the institution of your regulations, our revenue has dropped 98% in the weeks since. Inebriated students have not come to our convenient and centrally-located franchise, as all nearby parties are either shut down or far away. Wawa has partnered with Allegro Pizza and the Home & Kitchen section of Amazon to ensure that drunk students continue to sustain local business.
If these regulations are not revoked immediately, the loss of revenue to our Penn location will prove fatal to the entire Wawa Corporation. We need those revenues to function, and if drunk students are not coming through the doors every weekend we’ll be heading rapidly toward bankruptcy. Therefore we beg you, if you have any decency or regard for human life, to revoke your regulations and maintain Wawa as a beloved Penn institution.
CEO of Wawa, Inc.