BREAKING: Tapped Phone Conversation between Gutmann and Biden

Penn Engineering intelligence has tapped into Amy Gutmann’s phone line, because, let’s be honest, it’s not like they had anything else to do this weekend.

Lucky for them, they eavesdropped on the line just in time to hear a particularly interesting call between President Gutmann and Professor Biden. Below is the transcript of the conversation.

GUTMANN: Joe? Joe, what’s that noise? You know I hate it when you eat while we talk.

BIDEN: Fine, fine. Putting the ice cream away. Okay, sorry, you were saying? I can’t keep coming to campus if I get bombarded all the time.

GUTMANN: Right, well I have have a few tips about that. I mean, the kids here think I’m away in New York all the time, but in reality, I’m just really great at disguising myself.

BIDEN: That’s perfect! If I have to take one more selfie on Locust… [exasperated sigh]

GUTMANN: I know. Students are the worst. I’ve had to use tens of thousands of dollars from their tuition just to get enough facial work done to keep looking good for their incessant picture-taking.

BIDEN: [laughs]

GUTMANN: Alright, so to avoid actually interacting with these kids, one of my favorite things to do is blend in or wear a costume. You writing this down?

BIDEN: Yep, I’m taking notes.

GUTTMAN: Good. When this school changed mascot outfits, I’ll tell you, everything got worse.

BIDEN: How’s that?

GUTMANN: Well, the students used to be so creeped out by the old Quaker, I could wear the suit around campus and people would run away from me. I mean, really, those were the days. No pictures. No hugs. No future baristas from the design school introducing themselves and wasting my time.

BIDEN: That sounds ideal, ma’am. Maybe I’ll go around campus as the person who drives the new Quaker around. They won’t even notice me!

GUTMANN: Secondly, sometimes it’s nice just being in the middle of campus. What I like to do to get some peace and quiet is hand out the DP on the compass.

BIDEN: Genius! Everyone will avert their eyes and ignore you–I’m definitely trying that.

GUTMANN: Perfect. And remember, if you are going to choose to spend your time shaking a student’s hand, make sure they’re in Wharton first. Those are the only ones who might be something someday.

BIDEN: Noted. [writing noises] Will not interact with students unless they actually could be important.

GUTMANN: I mean, if these were Harvard kids, they might actually be worth talking to.

[both laugh]

GUTMANN: [sigh] Do you ever miss those days?

BIDEN: Which days?

GUTMANN: You know, being a student at the best school in the world.

BIDEN: Oh, I didn’t go to Harvard, Mrs. President, I went to Delaware and Syracuse. Go Hens!

GUTMANN: Delaware?? How the fuck did nobody catch this? Why did we hire you again?

BIDEN: Um, because I was this nation’s vice president for eight years, ma’am?

GUTMANN: Pfft. Vice president ain’t president, Joe. We’ll discuss your salary decrease in the morning.

BIDEN: Well, fair is fair, ma’am. Thank–

–Line cut out–

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