Hormel saw a recent dip in company sales this past quarter, so CEO Jeffrey Ettinger put his best and brightest on the task of creating a new meat product to shake up the meat-snack scene. Because his best and brightest are actually just 5 turkeys in a conference room, all they came up with is “Meat-by-the-Foot”! This new truly disgusting — nay, macabre — take on a childhood lunchbox favorite is set to hit the shelves in early 2019. While the typical meat-loving consumer might be salivating at the idea, most normal people are wondering, “ok but what do they mean by meat?” An excerpt from a Hormel statement about the new product will surely not erase any of these doubts and most likely give you second-hand food poisoning:
“Our new meaty treat, perfect for an afterschool snack, is created by taking all the best leftover cow parts from hamburger factories that you’ve been dying to get your American teeth on: bones, livers, urinary tracts, that 3rd stomach, tongues, utters, and that fluffy tip of the tail- the perfect eco-friendly way to reuse your ruminant! All of this is ground up (but not too much- gotta have that crunch!) and spread into a paste, which is baked and rolled into 2-foot ropes- perfect snackin’ size! And for a bigger chomp, lower a FOUR FOOT Meat-by-the-Foot XL into your gaping maw!”
While the FDA responded to this statement with: “Jesus Christ….I mean…for real guys??”, this ruling was overturned by President Trump, and the product has been granted express approval. Because they only have a year until public consumption, Hormel has been working hard to come up with fun slogans and commercials like:
- America’s #1 Favorite Way to Get Salmonella!
- Wanna consume meat in the grossest way possible like Gollum eating the fish in that one scene, but you don’t have a fish? Meat-by-the-Foot!
- Trix are for kids, but Meat-by-the-Foot is for that one kid that you saw strangling a rabbit during recess!
- Marginally more nutritious than eating your own shit!
- Wanna treat your six-year-old like a dog? Meat-by-the-Foot!
- TEST your inTESTines limits: Meat-by-the-Foot!
- Meat-by-the-Foot: when you wanna EAT the harbinger of the end times! (and then spew it like a toxic waste geyser 15 minutes later)
*If you were really grossed out reading and made it to the end, congrats! Now remember that beef jerky is a thing.