A Letter From Your Landlord

Dear Tenant,

Thank you for writing me. It’s so rare that we at the University City Meth Dens get real, non-anonymous customer feedback. I promise that we will take the time to read your suggestions before we laugh, write a few on our quote wall, and then print them out just to throw them out. I know that sounds wasteful, but so are all of the leaky faucets we haven’t fixed, the windows we haven’t insulated, and the doors we haven’t plugged the bottoms of. I guess the moral of the story is that in the scheme of things, wasting paper so we can literally throw out your suggestions is the literal last concern you should have about us.

Allow me to give you a glimpse into some of our more heinous practices. Seeing as you signed your lease and are locked into your house for a full year, whatever I say next doesn’t even matter.

First off, the workmen we hire to fix your house are neither qualified to do their jobs nor are they paid to do them correctly. They are in fact solely paid to show up and sign a piece of paper saying that they showed up. If your washer is broken, we can “send someone to take a look at it.” They will definitely look at it, write down on their maintenance sheet that it looks very much like a washer to them, and then they will leave. You have a hole in your house? Sounds like a glassless window to me! They were all the rage before the invention and widespread use of glass.

Just for the record, your house has bedbugs, mice, and cockroaches. If you are lucky, those animals will scare off the squirrels. If not, you may awaken to the sounds of squirrel sex coming from your wall. It’s happened before and frankly it will happen again. The good news is we do send a pest control unit to help. The bad news is that all the unit will do is send some guy named Jeff to CVS to poorly set up some traps you could’ve bought from CVS and poorly set up yourself. That’s all we will do. If your utilities are too high or if your power goes out, then to be honest there is nothing you can do because just like your literal power went out, your metaphorical power went out too when you signed your lease. And just so we are on the same page, your rent is too high for what you get.

So yeah – I, your landlord – am entirely aware that your house is an overpriced piece of crap and I plan on doing nothing to fix that. Frankly, the best part about all this is that you actually can’t make me fix any of it. Thanks for signing the lease on this hellhole… oh and also thanks for handing over your soul.

Lovingly,

Your Landlord

P.S. due to inflation in the cost of our office snacks, expect your rent to increase $400 next year so we can keep eating caviar and baby dolphins.

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