This week, Quaker Days will to introduce the next generation of Penn students to life at the University of Pennsylvania. Members of the class of 2022 will meekly file through the Upper Quad Gate this week, eager to get a taste of the Freshman experience. Hundreds of current students have kindly volunteered to host the pre-frosh in their dorms during the duration of the event.
However, the decision of current Penn Freshman to host 24 “Baby Quakers” was, in fact, made in the midst of a monstrous Wednesday-night blackout.
John*, as we will call him, awoke to an email from President Gutmann herself thanking him for his generosity. John did not know what he had done, until he clicked on the link at the bottom of the page- it turned out that the night before, just at the end of a particularly auspicious Downtown, the third in a series of increasingly desperate emails sent asking for overnight hosts for Quaker Days caught his eye. John was, apparently, moved by the implication that if there weren’t enough volunteers, many of next year’s freshmen would be forced to stay under that weird sculpture thing by the Design School. John attempted to rescind this poorly-conceived attempt at hospitality, but received no response from any UPenn staff. John, sources say, filled out the form 24 different times with the same room number.
In the section of the form that asked for ‘preferred name’, the response was “FUckInn Megatron Dick BOTCH”. In response to “Gender Identity”, John wrote “I’lls shit wherever i want assghole”. We could not reach his roommate for comment.
In a move likely motivated by John’s blunder, the Penn administration has announced a new policy, effective immediately, that will equip members of MERT with clipboards and pens to offer to those unfortunate enough to require their assistance. Forms that appear on the clipboards include “Permission to allow Penn to collect twice the cost of tuition”, “Field Trip to do administrations’ laundry for a month”, “I hereby donate my GPA to students convicted of violent crimes”, and “I willingly relinquish 40% of my future income to Eric Furda’s offshore holdings”, among others.
Controversy at the move has been immediate, but was quelled at news that the College of Nursing has received 60 new kidney, eyeball, and sphincter donations, effective immediately.
–By Tommy Auslander