This list was created during our first meeting of the fall semester. Thanks to everyone who came out and contributed!
99% of non-alcoholic freshmen learned that NS-Blows.
Hillel captured 87% of the incoming Jews on campus, with 80% never returning.
60% of freshmen had a mini-heart attack thinking their friend had been murdered rather than MERT-ed.
100% of freshmen will experience a crushing loss of confidence. When? Don’t know!
98% of freshmen learn that “mandatory” events are not in fact mandatory.
4 in 5 Penn freshmen are so hype for their match against rival Princeton. 5 in 5 Princeton students didn’t know state schools could be in the Ivy League.
100% of students who say “have a good day” to the card swipe ladies at Commons are going to heaven.
57% of Penn State paraphernalia is purchased by well-intending uncles of Penn freshmen.
50% of prospective pre-med students changed course after witnessing their friends be MERT-ed.
Penn reading project participation peaked at 5%.
The King’s Court heat spawned a new religion called “mystical connection to the sun.”
92% of freshmen are using google maps to navigate campus.
90% of squirrels are smart enough to avoid commons pizza. Only 70% of Penn freshmen are.
40% of freshmen tried to use dining dollars at a Halal truck.
15% of freshmen told to take a lap at frat parties never returned to campus.
5% of freshmen still don’t know their roommate’s name.
100% of conversations between freshmen still begin with “wait where are you living?”
90% of freshmen know someone named “dude.”
67% of Kings Court residents have died of heat stroke.
100% of transfer students are too embarrassed to ask how to get onto PennNet and still use PennNet-Guest.
45% of sophomores are just “too old” for NSO now. We weren’t able to obtain any statistics about how old seniors feel – they didn’t fill out the survey.
1% of new students feel “oriented” following New Student Orientation
15% of seniors still think Riepe is pronounced “Ripe.”
60% of Wharton freshmen already have their summer position lined up.
2% of engineering students have actually made friends.
80% of Wharton freshmen start conversations with “Hi, I’m in Wharton” and wear suits to every class.
60% of freshman got NSO married.
60% of Campus Communists decided to go into Campus Business for social impact.
80% of college students decided to transfer to Wharton.
5% of freshmen became alt-right.
5% of freshman matched with their RA on Tinder.
10% of freshman ran into their RA at a party after a serious talk about drugs and alcohol.
90% of freshmen are doing fine, mom.
80% of washers and dryers are taken at any given time.
90% of freshmen have not found the library yet and don’t want to, either.
12 freshmen sustained injuries after carrying La Croix back from Fresh Grocer.
19% of freshmen started pregaming for spring break.
30% of Philly-area freshman have already had arguments over who is from the Philly area (“what’s even your zip code dude?”)
98% of crimes committed on Locust Walk are white collar.
20% of Democrats already became socialists; 30% of Republicans already became National Bolsheviks.
90% of freshman have found their #squads.
90% of frat party noise decreases when the Spanish part of “I Like It” comes on.
50% of freshmen are still listening to Despacito (Justin Bieber version).
65% of freshman males have unironically uttered “where we dropping, boiz?”
98% of local students have already robbed Wawa.
90% of freshman have overdosed on Maruchan instant noodle sodium.
95% of art history majors are legacy.
90% of freshmen don’t know when to eat.
99% of breakdowns this week were caused by minor inconveniences.
50% of freshman see their first naked body from the 4th floor high-rises.
15% of freshman haven’t pooped in a week.
15% of freshman living in the Quad go to Amazon@Penn to poop.
50% of hook ups in KCECH are out of AC-necessity.
6 freshmen were trampled to death during activities fair.