Personalized Penn Pep-Talks Presented by Punch-Bowl

Welcome!  Pick whatever aspect of your life currently makes you feel like a failure and we’ll give you some super helpful, medically-approved words of encouragement.

Schoolwork

Just assigned a 30-page paper with accurate-to-scale-models due in two weeks and feel like you’re going to drop out of Penn and die? You can do it! Well, maybe not the paper, but you can definitely drop out of Penn. It’s not that hard. Remember Penn is the 1%. That means over 99% of people survive without a Penn degree and some of them are probably doing OK. This could be you! You can do it!*****

Health

Bought a brownie from a club fundraising for shelters on Locust?  Feeling good about helping adorable puppies but also bad about breaking your diet? Or maybe you accidentally added real milk to your coffee, but drank it anyway and are now technically a tacit supporter of the unethical, non-vegan, and abusive dairy industry? Or maybe you looked in the mirror and were actually satisfied with yourself for one fleeting moment? Sure these horrible offences aren’t the Penn way, but remember you could be eating McDonald’s 7 days a week. Eating McDonald’s 7 days a week? Remember, it could be cocaine. Addicted to cocaine? Well that’s a diet in itself! You can do it!*****

Social Life

Feel bad that you have no plans on a Friday night? Remember most people at frats are sweaty, tired, uncomfortable, and just trying to get drunk enough to forget all that anyhow. You can be comfy, clean, and happy in bed! Sweaty, uncomfortable, and drunk at a frat party Thursday through Sunday? Congrats! You are socializing and potentially networking! Go you! You can do it!*****

Money

Feel bad for getting the extra guac? Splurging on luxuries like a new bottle of conditioner instead of mixing that shit with water? Unsure how to ask your friend to Venmo you back for that dollar you loaned them? Don’t have a dollar to loan? It’s OK! Remember all these small things are nothing compared to the crippling debt of a higher education in this country. Don’t sweat the small stuff! You can do it!*****

 

****Taking Everything You Read Seriously

Thought this list was serious? Remember everything is bullshit! Everyone is struggling and you are doing alright! Never any shame in reaching out if you need help. You are doing great! You can do it! (Ew. This is getting sentimental. Gross. Bye.)

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