In a shocking revelation and a major blow to the Right Wing, popular conservative political commentator and writer Ben Shapiro was photographed oiling his keyboard inside his California mansion by an opportunistic journalist. This confirms what many liberals have long suspected: that the divisive champion of conservative values is, in fact, a primitive writing machine.
When asked for comment, the Daily Wire, Shapiro’s media company, said, “we at the Wire would never knowingly employ an implement of typography”. This directly contradicts our values of freedom of expression and integrity of journalism. Mr. Shapiro has been suspended indefinitely, barring a handwritten apology and admission of guilt.
When we asked Shapiro for comment, he began an impassioned, rapid-fire response that began to brilliantly deconstruct our company with facts and logic. However, it was at this time that he typed a letter incorrectly, and due to his lack of a backspace, was forced to remove the entire sheet of paper and begin again. The Punch Bowl doesn’t really have time for that type of Amish shit, so we left.