Mr. Hernandez in a 2018 mugshot. (Credit to theblast.com)
Owning headlines for much of the past two years, rapper Daniel Hernandez, aka “Tekashi 6ix9ine”, is currently in jail awaiting sentencing for multiple offenses, including racketeering, drugs and weapons charges. Until recently, it appeared that the 22-year-old was likely to spend the next few decades behind bars for his multiple crimes. That is, at least, until yesterday morning, when 6ix9ine’s team made a major announcement for him.
“Tekashi’s rap skills, career, and appearance in general have been described as ‘clownish’ by many. To those who had called 6ix9ine a joke, he has only this to say:
This announcement was immediately followed by a shocking press release written by Mr. Hernandez himself, transcribed below.
“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Daniel Hernandez, also known as Tekashi 6ix9ine, and I have much to come clean about.
To get right to the point, I scammed the shit out of all of you.
In reality, much of my identity is disingenuous. I am not from Brooklyn. I was born and raised in Vermont. I am not a gang member, though I have been a part of the Culinary Institute of America since the age of 20.
My tattoos are fake (why the fuck you would think I’d choose to get the number 69 written hundreds of times across my face and body is beyond me). And my hair? I just stole a wig from a gay pride parade.
I am actually an associate research professor of Sociology at Columbia University. My work focuses on the acquisition of fame and how social media potentiates viral fame in the music industry. I decided to assume a fake identity to see just how fucking stupid people are. The plan was to begin with the most inane, untalented persona conceivable, then pretend to be more and more legitimate until a career became possible. It turned out the very first alter ego was a smash hit.
I have never been accused of a crime. The judges and jury were all involved in the study as well, in addition to many of the police officers in the Brooklyn area where I operated. In conclusion, you are dumb as shit. I’m probably going to win some dope ass prizes in the field of sociology for this, plus the reward of all the ass I got while pretending to be a rapper. I will take the millions of dollars I earned from recording companies and touring and put it towards perfecting my burgeoning garden. I have a fondness for hydrangea.
In conclusion, you are all dumb as shit. I will leave you with a quote that I found quite inspiring during the course of this study, one that I myself came up with.
“Blicky got the stiffy uh”.
-Professor Daniel Hernandez, MD, PhD, MBA, JD, PharmD
It remains to be seen how this truly fascinating development will change the course of the music industry.