Two-Step Verification Coming Soon to Everything Near You

WOW! Thank god Penn rolled out this two-step verification thing. I’ve been pushing for retinal scans and three-step verification for a while now, but two-step is a good start. I mean if someone hacked into my PennInTouch they could probably like change my schedule or something and I mean that would just blow… but there is good news!! This two-step verification is gonna catch on everywhere. I went into the field (that’s a thing us reporters say to mean we walked around and blackmailed strangers until they told us their secrets) and I found out that all of these other Penn tangential organizations are gonna use two-step verification too! So, here’s a list of some of the other cool people jumping on this new cyber security wave:

  • CAPS is rolling out two-step verification. Call it a barrier to entry, but it’s really just to make sure that fewer people come to CAPS and cause them such a hassle. Plus, it would be bad if you went in saying you were Amy Gutmann and then convinced CAPS you had all these problems, but you weren’t really Amy, you were Mike, and CAPS doesn’t really care about Mike.
  • Your local drug dealer is about to start using it too. Call him overly cautious but he’s gotta make sure you’re not a NARC. Two-step verification will hit his venmo soon.
  • Residential dorm access. The second step here is actually when the Allied Barton guard looks you up and down and says “who do you know here?”
  • Houston Bowl pickup. If one more person steals my god damn spicy bowl I will lose it. Thank the lord they will be double checking who you are.
  • Frat parties. No Drexel kids allowed. ThIs Is pEnN. We are elite and so are our parties.
  • VP bag checks. The first step is they check your bag when you enter, the second is they check it when you leave. Maximum security up in this place.
  • Huntsman Hall. If Wharton’s said it once they’ve said it a thousand times, “no poor people allowed here.” Second step of verification is a flashing of your Amex Black Card.
  • Streaming internet porn now requires two-step verification on AirPennNet. But not to worry, should you enter the code wrong, it can notify an emergency contact, default is your parents, who can sign you in.

And as a bonus, soon to come is actually 6 point verification just like at the DMV. Steal my identity now, I dare you.

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