BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Announces 2020 Presidential Campaign

At 69* years of age, Amy Gutmann, the 8th president of the University of Pennsylvania, has just announced her intention to seek an even bigger presidency, that of the United States of America. Following this announcement, Punch Bowl secured an exclusive interview with the new candidate.

 

Punch Bowl: What made you decide to run for president?

Amy Gutmann: After the overwhelmingly positive response to Howard Schultz’s announcement, I realized there is still a huge public demand for inexperienced millionaires and billionaires who have made their money off of selling luxury goods like pumpkin spice lattes and higher education to seek office.

 

Punch Bowl: That’s great, but what’s something unique you can bring to Washington?

Amy Gut(wo)mann: As you know, our presidents have been white, rich, male — and straight too. This is the type of diversity we support at Penn, but I feel that I can bring something new to the White House. You know, because I’m a woman.

 

Punch Bowl: Speaking of the DC, would leaving Philadelphia be difficult for you?

Amy O. G: Not at all. I am barely here. Leaving my apartment in New York will be the real challenge.

 

Punch Bowl: Who are you considering for Vice President on your ticket?

Amy Has Gutsman: Well, Joe Biden has seemed a little homesick for the White House lately, but Dean Furda gets separation anxiety, so I’m keeping all my options open.

 

Punch Bowl: When you announced your campaign, you failed to say for which party nomination you are running. Can you clear this up? Republican or Democrat?

Amy G-Spot: Communist. I am a cool young person who is super in touch with my students. This is what young people want.

 

Punch Bowl: Wow. You have such a capitalist history, some people might find this surprising. Have you always been a secret supporter of socialism?

Amy Gotbands: Sure. I believe that if you work hard enough to abuse your inherent privileges you can create and benefit from economic equality under any system. I mean, even Penn claims to redistribute wealth through scholarships, but obviously legacy students still have a leg up.

 

The Gutmann 2020 Campaign is currently seeking students interested in full-time unpaid staff internships this summer that will not count towards course credit. Applicants must have experience running a successful presidential campaign.

 

*nice

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