Fossil Free Penn Pivots, Calls on Penn to Ban Fossils

Following years of conflict with the Board of Trustees, the group Fossil Free Penn has shifted gears from oil, now calling for Penn to divest from the fossil industry.

The move comes after slow progress in the fight against divestment from fossil fuels, despite multiple protest events and majority approval among students and the Undergraduate Assembly. Leaders of Fossil Free Penn hope that they will be able to achieve their new goal with greater ease, calling upon Penn to divest from fossils.

“As a leading academic institution, the University of Pennsylvania has a moral and financial obligation to divest from the fossil industry. Fossil Free Penn calls for the divestment of the University of Pennsylvania’s $13.8 billion endowment from fossil assets.”

Adding that the fossil industry is also directly responsible for disseminating false information and political corruption, the group has promised to organize additional protests, including the burning of a large fossil-shaped effigy in front of College Hall.

When reached for comment, members of Fossil Free Penn began chanting “Hey hey, ho ho, petrified remains have got to go!” and “Hey hey, Amy G, put those fossils where they’re supposed to be! …the dirt.”

At press time, chairman of the Board of Trustees David Cohen announced that the Board had unilaterally rejected the group’s updated proposal, citing the fact that fossils are pretty freaking cool.

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