Newly minted Kite and Key tour guide Sharon (W’21) is extremely excited about the revamped Penn admissions tour, now with a focus on anecdotes and personal stories. Lucky for us, she was willing to give the Punch Bowl a preview of her personalized Penn Tour.

“I’ve added some extra stops along the route that are of great personal importance. I can’t wait to show incoming freshman what the true Penn experience consists of!” she exclaimed.

• Closet on the 4th floor of DRL:

“THIS is the best spot for crying. I personally cry about 4 times a day, but it’s fine. The school average is 2 times, so I’m actually ahead of the curve (for once). DRL is basically exile so you don’t have to worry about people bothering you. Now that everyone has airpods, they won’t hear you anyways.”

• Ben Franklin Bench:

“I remember walking by late at night and seeing one of my hallmates peeing on this statue along with 5 other members of his frat. The real fun is walking down Locust and seeing unsuspecting tourists hug or take very intimate pictures with Benji(zzed). Oh, did I mention that 25% of Penn students are involved in Greek life?”

• Any nasty bathroom in the Quad:

“I was fortunate enough to live in the Quad my freshman year and I’ve seen things growing or being done in the bathrooms that have surpassed my wildest expectations. Allergic reactions to black mold and having people walking in on you while you’re showering are part of the quintessential ‘freshman experience,’ so I would highly recommend listing the Quad as your first choice for housing.”

• Perry World House:

“I always make it a habit and stop by for free food. There’s always events going on here… What kind of events, you ask? You snag the food AFTER the function, so I have absolutely no idea what actually goes on.”

• Shrub in front of a frat house on Locust:

“This is the bush where I got MERTed for the first time! This was during the weekend of Spring Fling, and I went slightly overboard. I didn’t know that 8 shots of tequila was a bit much at that time. I didn’t realize that 7 shots was my limit. But as you can see, Penn prioritizes your safety and offers plenty of resources so you don’t have to worry about dying from alcohol poisoning!”

 

When questioned about the prospect of a sharp decline in the number of Penn applicants, the Penn Admissions office provided an official statement: “PPPFFFTTT! Why do you think we have our donor and legacy system?”

**Sharon was fired from Kite and Key immediately after the publication of this article.