Have you ever noticed that the instant you need to consult your roommate, they’ve magically disappeared? And yet, somehow, whenever you absolutely DO NOT want your roommate to be around, there they are? After weeks of trial and error, we at the Punch Bowl have finally figured out how to use these occurrences to your advantage. We have collated the findings into tips for summoning your roommate.
For best results, try any of the following:
- Watch “The Bachelor” with no headphones. As soon as a make out scene comes on, your roommate is sure to walk in the door and think it’s porn. It might be awkward, but hey, it worked.
- Treat yourself to their mini M&M’s. They told you yesterday you could have some, but you both know it wasn’t a genuine offer. Even though you normally don’t take anything, the one time you decide to, they will surely arrive just in time to see you rummaging through their stuff.
- Get ~intimate~. If you really need to get your roommate’s attention, start hooking up with someone. Like clockwork, they will waltz right in as soon as things get going.
Sorry, Brian, this was fun, but I just needed to ask Jess if she could please clean up her dishes. K thanks bye!
- Stare into the mirror and question the frailty of humanity and your minuscule place in this vicious world. Now your roommate gets to walk in to witness yet another of your existential crises and question why she ever decided to room with this such a hot mess like you in the first place. (Not speaking from personal experience, of course…)
- Write a passive-aggressive article about them for a college publication’s website.
With these simple tricks, you’ll never lose your roommate again!