Jonas Brothers Reunion Linked to Improved Mental Health at Penn

Recent studies have just been released that show mental health has drastically improved at the University of Pennsylvania in the month of March. This has us at the Punch Bowl wondering what caused this massive change in atmosphere on campus: Have professors lightened the workload they give students? Has CAPS started doing something useful? Did everyone’s father call to say he’s proud of them?

Of course not. That would be ridiculous. So, what is it then, that is putting actual smiles on kids faces that aren’t hiding self-loathing and despair?

In order to get to the bottom of this, the Punch Bowl surveyed students around campus. What we found is best summed up by Penn sophomore Jane Costigan:

“Life has just been better since the Jonas Brothers got back together,” she said.

That’s right! After splitting up in 2013, The Jonas brothers have FINALLY reunited. They have even released a new song titled “Sucker”, which has their familiar Disney boy band style with an adult edge that lets you know they have definitely lost their virginities, but in a more sophisticated way than Joe Jonas did with DNCE.

And boy, are Penn students suckers for this song. Kids have an extra hop in their step going down Locust walk, some even making contact with those handing out the Daily Pennsylvanian. In Fisher Fine arts you will pass by many bopping their head and mouthing silently “I’m a sucker for you” to no one in particular.

“I actually saw some kids sharing Air Pods to listen to the song,” said John Carter, a junior in Wharton.

Yeah. It’s that big.

This story isn’t without its negativity though. Some have blamed the Jonas Brother’s breakup as the cause for Penn’s mental health issues.

“I just felt empty after they broke up,” said alumna Ashley Greenberg (W ’14). “Like I was just walking around with a blank stare on my face. I tried listening to their old stuff, but after two years of S.O.S. it just wasn’t doing it for me anymore.”

Wiki leaks even released old emails from President Amy Gutmann to the group in 2015 asking that they get back together. While Gutmann has denied the legitimacy of these documents, she has stated that she is “as thrilled as anyone that they are back together.” The Punch Bowl will keep following this story as further details are released.

Many are also wondering if the effect of this will wear off, especially with no set release date for a new album. But for now, at least, their reunion and new song seem to be enough.

“I have 3 midterms this week, two papers due on Sunday, a formal tonight and I haven’t slept in four days. But,” sighed Costigan with a smile. “It’s all ok. Because the Jonas Brothers are back!”

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