Being from Florida, I have experienced many a hurricane and know that they are not always all they are cracked up to be. In fact, us ~crazy~ Floridians often times won’t believe there is in fact a hurricane coming until it actually hits. So I’ve decided to share with you the Floridian meanings of hurricane strength and destruction categories and what to do if you ever find yourself here having to go to class or work during a storm.
A category 1 hurricane is barely strong enough to knock over your leftover beer pong cups from the night before. You have no excuse for being late to class or work, but maybe give yourself a little extra time to avoid fallen tree limbs and lost gators.
The amount of rain associated with a category 2 hurricane is equivalent to washing fruit and shaking it dry, except we are the fruit and we’re not getting dry. Due to the possibility of horizontal rain, an even more casual than normal dress code is socially acceptable.
Most areas may flood simply due to poor drainage, so we suggest hitching a ride on the midlife crisis boat in your retired neighbor’s driveway. Canoes, kayaks, and floats will also be provided to enter the buildings safely should you not be able to swim.
Once the letters start blowing off the sign at your local McDonald’s, you’ve hit a category 4. It is quite possible you may find yourself without electricity, but no need to worry, most colleges and offices are equipped with backup manual typewriters and rotary dial phones so we can stay on top of business. If you decide to wear make-up, may we suggest it be waterproof.
Hold onto your weave because a category 5 could snatch it. But we still recommend not taking a sick day. Bosses and professors have velcro they hand out to keep you attached to your seat if the doors and windows decide to blow out. If you do survive, congrats and about 20 minutes after the hurricane is over we will have cake and a party.
Now that you are aware of the real meaning behind hurricane categories, you are ready to move to Florida and take on Dorian all by yourself. Good luck!!