FIVE of the MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS for Penn Newbies—ANSWERED

Where are you supposed to WEAR your SHOWER SHOES?

Shower shoes are, as their name sake describes, to be worn on the trek from your room to the communal bathrooms. Once you have arrived and stationed yourself in front of the shower, you must remove your shower shoes out of respect for the shower. Once you have stepped into the shower, sans shoes, your feet can in bask in the courteous gifts of your fellow hall mates: exfoliated skin, hair, urine, and foot fungus. Note: the other hall residents (mice, roaches, and water bugs) may join you. Happy hygiene!

 

What is the REAL purpose of THE COMPASS?

Penn’s founder, the Honorable B. Franklin, bestowed unto this lovely university, an omen and legend about midterm exams. As the legend goes, anyone who steps on The Compass, at the crux of 37thand Locust, is doomed to fail their first midterm. However, in his benevolence, Franklin also ensured this fate could be reversed by having sex under the Oldenberg Button in front of Van Pelt Library. Watch your step to save your grade or you might have to get a D!

 

What is the NEW WCW?

As endorsed by many a frat boy, the WCW acronym has been reestablished as White Claw Wednesday. And their word is final!

 

Why SUITS are REQUIRED class attire for all schools?

Suits are the attire of real-world professionals, says J. W., Wharton 2023. Since all Penn students should subscribe to Penn’s pre-professional environment, which is perfectly emulated by Wharton students, every student on Penn’s Campus should wear full suits to class. Nurses must be prepared to perform CPR in their everyday hospital/clinical work attire aka a suit. College students must wear suits if they have any hope of attaining a job offer after graduation. Engineering students must work in the machine shop, code, or do lab research in a suit to make up for the miserable average engineering GPA. Isn’t it obvious that Wharton students succeed because of their suits, and that’s why everyone should wear suits.

 

Is there a need for a FIFTH QUESTION?

No. So it goes, Quakers.

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