Breaking: XXL Sea-Green Penn Sweatshirt Located in Lost & Found

Philadelphia, PA- Authorities at  Penn’s Division of Public Safety reported a new item in their Lost and Found this morning at 2:30 AM. The head of the department described the item as follows:

Item: Sea-green sweatshirt with Penn logo

Size: XXL

Additional information: Bears many old stains (from the 80’s according to Penn archaeology), “definitely vintage”, has the scent of privilege, recent burn marks(?)

Despite the number of AirPods and Canada Goose jackets sitting in the Lost and Found, this single article of clothing is the most expensive/valuable item to date. It’s estimated worth is quoted in the Daily Pennsylvanian as “Penn’s entire prestigious reputation, school spirit, and endowment.”

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