How to eat ALL the food this Thanksgiving: Tips and Tricks

Thanksgiving is a challenging time for many people. You have to deal with the stresses of transportation, then the stresses of seeing family, and then the toughest challenge of them all: how to eat ALL the food. 

 

Here are a list of tips and tricks for how to eat ALL the food this holiday weekend:

 

  1. Practice makes perfect: Spend the first 18-25 years of your life overeating so that by the time Thanksgiving comes around, you’ll be more than prepared!
  2. Pace yourself: Start eating early in the afternoon by sneaking bits of sausage out of the stuffing or stealing cookies from the dessert platter. But be careful! As long as no one catches you, the calories don’t count.
  3. Come prepared: make sure you bring home your stretchiest leggings and yoga pants to help accommodate the food baby you’ll have afterwards. Also, make sure to only wear shirts that weren’t meant to be tucked in…  
  4. Take preemptive action: send all your belts to the cleaners the week before so you have an excuse for those loose clothes. 
  5. Alert those around you: Complain constantly about your dwindling dining plan. That way, instead of “Wow, haven’t you eaten enough by now?” it’s “Oh, my poor baby,” from your mother.
  6. Create distractions: Start a heated political debate among your relatives with a subtle, yet controversial opinion so they don’t notice you taking your ninth helping of stuffing. 
  7. Shift the blame: The dog ate all of the turkey, definitely not you. No dog? No worries! Blame your weird, old uncle instead!
  8. Set the stage: Talk loudly in advance about how you’re considering going vegan and probably won’t eat that much turkey. Then, your relatives will see what they expect to see and won’t notice that you ate a ridiculous amount of everything else. 
  9. Control the crowd: Make sure to mention how many people there are or how big your cousins have gotten and how you wouldn’t be surprised if you ran out of food. 
  10. Assist others: Loudly remember that Aunt Cathy is on a sugar free diet and can’t eat the pie. Then, help her out by eating the whole thing before she feels tempted. 

 

If all else fails, just tell everyone you’re pregnant and eating for two!

If you’re really hungry, just say you’re expecting triplets!

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