Early Monday morning in a press conference held in the Oval Office, President Trump was asked exactly how he plans to respond to the escalating crisis in Iran. He quickly assured reporters that the situation was under control, and that his administration was already working on plans to address the issue.
“We’ve gathered all of our country’s great, great generals and created a strategy that’s really special. It’s never been done before. Some have even told me it’s the best plan they’ve ever heard. It’s fantastic.”
When pressed for a bit more information, the president told the media that if need be, he plans on drafting almost exclusively from the player base of the “Call of Duty” franchise, using its most recent titles as starting points. The series released two titles this past year, including the gaming console/PC version “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare” as well as a free smartphone app, known as “Call of Duty: Mobile.” The president said he planned on taking the “amazing strategic minds” of these first-person virtual shooting enthusiasts and sending them into real world combat situations.
“I think that these games have been preparing them to make really good, really quick decisions, and it’s time to show the world that the U.S. has a lot of really, really brilliant people.” After saying this, the president quickly broke into a chant of “USA! USA! USA!” while banging his tiny fist onto his desk.
While the Call of Duty games are marketed with an M-rating for the 18+ demographic, it’s clear that the American public either can’t or refuses to read, as the game is populated with significant amounts of children under the age of 18. Media asked the president if this posed an issue to his plan, but he simply responded with, “If you’re old enough to play the games, you can do it in real life. Right? I think we should be encouraging our kids to be more active and to do things in real life instead of in a video game.”
Activision, the game publishing company behind the Call of Duty series, declined to comment when asked about the plan.