A diary seemingly belonging to a Penn student was found in the bushes near frat row at approximately 11:45 AM Tuesday morning. Despite traditional journalistic practices, the Punch Bowl has decided to publish an expert from the found notebook in hopes of reuniting it with the author and increasing our confessional op-ed content to compete with 34th Street. If you know or are the owner please contact us (and then CAPS) as soon as possible.
January 13th Monday
Classes start in a couple days. This is finally going to be the semester where I don’t fall behind. I’m gonna stay caught up on all the readings, go to every lecture, and finish assignments ahead of time so I can go over them. 2020 is my year.
January 14th Tuesday
Back on campus. Immediately went to the bookstore to buy a planner so I can map out all of the work I’ll need to do. Might make me look like an English major but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.
January 15th Wednesday
1st day of classes. Wrote down all my midterm and assignment due dates. Also scheduled out when I need to study and finish readings. Won’t have a ton of free time, especially if I want to stay in all six of my clubs and to keep writing for the DP, but I’ll make it work. Education first baby!
January 17th Friday
Took advantage of recitations being cancelled today and holed myself up in VP to get ahead in my classes. I skipped a couple of meals and started hallucinating (I’m pretty sure Gritty appeared and punched me at one point). Just got back to my dorm. It’s 4 AM and I’m exhausted. Gonna finish this Wawa sandwich (I missed Wawa so much) then go to bed so I can get a bunch of stuff done tomorrow.
January 20th Monday
Didn’t get as much work done over the weekend as I wanted. Had a surprise scavenger hunt for the frat I’m pledging. Stayed up all night and I barely remember anything. All I know is I woke up in New Jersey holding a half-eaten cucumber with Vaseline on it while someone named “Rita” was calling random men, claiming I’m her new son. Just got back and it’s 6 AM. Thank god it’s MLK day though so I can get some work done. Quick nap then back to the grind.
January 21st Tuesday
Accidentally slept all day yesterday. And then the Bachelor was on at night and I just had to see the fallout of the champagne stealing incident. People keep telling me it’s dumb and it’s scripted but the show is just so good. I mean, Grey’s Anatomy is scripted but that doesn’t seem to bother anyone. So why all the hate on the Bachelor? Anyway, I’ll just skip lecture today to catch up on work. It’s recorded so I can watch it this weekend at 1.5 speed. If anything, this is a more efficient use of my time.
January 22nd Wednesday
I have no idea what’s going on in class. I haven’t done a single reading and I’ve skipped half of my lectures. I haven’t slept in days and the hallucinations are getting stronger (Gritty and I have been having an on again, off again relationship). I’m sick of Wawa and Rita hasn’t stopped calling me (I’m meeting her and my “siblings” next week for coffee). It’s ok though because I think I can catch up this weekend.
January 24th Friday
Just got a text in my frat group chat. “Be at the house in 30 minutes. Bring a snorkel a screwdriver and a Wawa Gobbler sandwich.” But the Gobbler has been gone for weeks…
January 27th Monday
I have a midterm in 20 minutes that I haven’t studied for.
January 28th Tuesday
Fuck. Guess I’ll try again next semester.