Dear Straight White Male, Why Have You Forsaken Me?

Dear Straight White Male,

You’re still doing it. Even after all of these years, after all the progress we have made and how sensitive we have become, you are still discriminating.

Yes, it’s true. You might not want to hear it, but you are discriminating against us, and it’s time you stop ignoring it.

It’s clear that you think we are useless, in-capable and beneath you. But I am here to tell you this is not true. If you stop and really judge us by what we can do and not how we look, you will realize how valuable what we have to offer is. We are equal to other cardio equipment and are fully capable of giving you the toned ass you so desperately need.

I am of course talking about us stairmasters.

Why do you ignore us? There are so many benefits to climbing a never-ending cycle of stairs. It can get your heart rate up just like any treadmill or elliptical and it can help you get a nice phat ass which, to be honest, your kind seems to be lacking.

Yet every day at Pottruck, it’s the same girls with the high-waisted yoga pants and sports bras that start me up (I don’t get it. Do they want us to see their stomach or not?).

So enough. Enough with the dinky calf raises and pointless forearm curls. Nobody cares. Those are probably the two least erotic parts of your body. Instead, spend your time on me, and I can give you rock hard posterior every girl looks for in a guy.

Because, as they say, “It’s all about the ass.” And I am the starimASSter

Sincerely,

Pottruck Stairmaster

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