Oh shit! It’s Valentine’s Day and I forgot to get my boyfriend a present! I also forgot to get a boyfriend…
If the above sounds like you, and you can’t find some rando to pretend you’re into, then this is the guide for you! Follow these easy steps and avoid the crushing weight of your loneliness:
- Stay indoors all day to avoid seeing all the happy couples taking cute selfies and enjoying long romantic walks.
- Drown out your jealousy with constant hatred. Those couples constantly holding hands and hugging each other is just gross, right? Like get a room! PDA is soooooo obnoxious. If I could ever get a boyfriend, I swear we would NEVER be like that.
- Complain about “the system.” Valentine’s Day wasn’t even a big deal. It was originally for Saint Valentine and it’s just been appropriated and romanticized by Hallmark. By being single on this “holiday,” you’re sticking it to the system! You’re fighting against the grain! Single people, rise up!
- Feminism. You don’t NEED a man!!! You’re a strong independent woman who is perfectly happy with herself, on her own. Having a boyfriend would be like soooo much work and it probably isn’t even worth it. Just go listen to some Lizzo and a select few songs from Ariana Grande, and tell yourself repeatedly that you are a GoRgEoUs QuEeN.
- Eat an entire box of chocolates, but in an empowering way. Thank god you’re single and can sit in your comfy clothes and eat candy. You don’t have to dress up all nice in shoes that hurt to go out to some shitty, overpriced restaurant. And since you’re not trying to impress anyone, you can just eat the whole box of chocolates by yourself! Who cares what other people are gonna say? You do you! It’s self care because mental health is just as important as physical health. (not that you really have either one…)
- Be your own Valentine. Why wait for someone else to buy you a nice scented bath bomb? I mean they’re probably gonna get the wrong one anyway. Buy yourself a nice Valentine’s Day treat to remind yourself that you are loved. By you.
- Be your own Valentine (part 2). Cook a nice romantic dinner for two, light some candles and eat both dinners. If you really want to get the full Valentine’s Day experience, start an argument with yourself about where this relationship is going and how you feel unappreciated.
- Laugh at other people’s pain. Watch hilarious breakup videos on Youtube and be thankful that’s not you. Watch some girl throw her cheating bf’s clothes out the window and yell at him. Then realize how much of a favor you’re doing yourself by staying single and out of all this mess.
- Hang out with your other bitter, single friends. Don’t invite anyone who’s dating anybody and then get drunk together. The solidarity of a whole bunch of single people, all telling each other what gorgeous queens they all are, will briefly hide the fact that you would much rather be out with someone special.
- Tell yourself there’s always next year. And yeah, you said that last year, but this one’s gonna be different.