New Report Predicts Transportation Trends Coming To Campus

You’re walking on Locust, eyes glued to your phone, Air Pods blocking out all the noise, totally isolated from the world around you. Then it happens. A gust of wind almost knocks you down and you raise your head only to see a flash of black with red trim. You blink and then, just as soon as it arrived… it’s gone. I am of course talking about the latest personal transportation device to overtake Penn’s campus: the electric scooter.

Two years ago it was the blue razor scooters with the over sized wheels. Last year it was the electric skateboards (which are still trying to hang on). And now the electric scooter. It seems that a new machine designed to get your lazy ass to DRL faster so you can sleep an extra five minutes is destined to appear each year. We at the Punch Bowl spent the past three weeks examining past trends, creating algorithms, and testing products to determine the next mode of transportation to part crowds on Locust Walk like Moses and the Red Sea. Here are the potential candidates:

 

Image result for ripstick

The Rip Stick

Pros:

  • It’s a lot of fun
  • Will make you look super athletic

Cons:

  • Really hard
  • High falling rate
  • Likely to only impress 7 year-olds

 

Image result for heelys

Heely’s

Pros:

  • Easy to transport
  • Childhood nostalgia
  • Seamless transition from wheels to walking

Cons:

  • Will disintegrate your knees
  • You’ll look stupid

 

Image result for penny-farthing

Penny-Farthing

Pros:

  • Trends often cycle back, this one is no exception
  • Will be able to see over crowd on locust to easily spot who to avoid eye contact with
  • Will give you the classy look you’ve always been going for

Cons:

  • Just look at the fucking thing

 

Image result for Endor Speeder Bike

Endor Speeder Bike from Star Wars

Pros:

  • Fast as fuck
  • Can obliterate your enemies
  • Can be used to defeat the Empire

Cons:

  • Doesn’t exist

 

Image result for DeLorean Time Machine

DeLorean Time Machine

Pros:

  • Doesn’t matter what time you leave because you will always be on time
  • Sleek 1980’s look
  • Can also fly

Cons:

  • Flux capacitors are pretty hard to find
  • DeLoreans weren’t even in style when they were invented
  • Requires you to wear puffy orange vest unironically

 

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