The Art of Seduction: Zoom Edition

Guest column by AlphaQ

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of BETA MALES out here compLAMEing that they can’t shoot their shot due to online classes. Lads, this is pathetic. What do you think your ancestors did when the local village had no girls? Do you think they sat at home to cry? NO. They created a set of elaborate Consualia games, as blessed by Neptune, invited all the men from neighboring cities to join, and then, when the men were away, seized unmarried girls from other villages. My point stands. With some simple guidelines, you too can be an internet CHAD. 

  1. DON’T pin people’s videos
    Rookie mistake. Why pin one girl’s video, when you can gallery view 10? This way, you can keep your eyes on MULTIPLE hotties at once. Plus: No girl can call you a “creep” or a “loser who doesn’t have anything better to do” now that you’re treating all girls the same. It’s called feminism, babey!
  2. Send out MULTIPLE private messages
    This is what us chavs in the business call the ‘Tinder approach.’ If you shoot your shot at everyone in the Zoom call one girl is bound to message back, even if it’s something like “um, I don’t know you, why do you keep messaging me?” Unsure of what to send? Go with some of the classics: “What’s up?” “How’s it going?” “This professor, am I right?” If you’re feeling really bold, you can go for some wild starters, like “If I was there with you while we were watching this lecture, what would you do? 👀”
  3. Stock up on dog treats in your room
    If you don’t already have a dog for clout, you’re a lost cause. But for the rest of us, take this as an opportunity to really Pavlov your dog. When the Zoom bell rings, your dog should come rushing in, mouth SALIVATING for some tasty tasty treats. Proudly brandish your dog to the sounds of everyone on the call cooing. Profit.
  4. Flex your dual monitor setup + light up keyboard
    This one is self explanatory. What girl won’t go NUTS over your sick computer setup?
  5. Sit on a baby booster
    Now look. This might sound a little emasculating, but has AlphaQ ever led you astray? No. You need to seize the UNIQUE opportunity virtual programming offers. No longer can she say: “Didn’t you say you were 6’1?” Now the world is your oyster. Take a baby booster, or a stack of textbooks, and boom. You’re welcome in advance.

And there you have it, kings. Keep with these simple steps, and you’re bound to get with an e-girl. Maybe then, the crushing void of loneliness that has plagued m-you for so many months will at long last, be alleviated.

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